Q: I am an eighth-grader. Our class is writing a book for teachers, and each of us has a different topic. I am focusing on the relationship of gifted kids and their siblings, and the effects that connection can have on them in the classroom. I've read your article "Tips For Parents: How Gifted Children Impact the Family," but I also wanted to know more about the teachers' side of the siblings' relationship.

If there are any other important things you would like to share, I'd love to know more!

A: There is always some sibling rivalry in the family. Children unconsciously search for ways to get attention from their parents. They typically develop very different personalities and interests, not only because of their genetic differences, but because they need to find a place for attention that is different than their sister's or brother's. Even among identical twins, you will see differences develop with one typically being more assertive than the other. Only children individuate more by the attention they receive from their parents, or they compare themselves more to cousins or other children in school or the neighborhood.

It's not unusual for one child, often the oldest, to be more academic than social and for later-borns to be more social. The later-borns are accustomed to having siblings around, and the oldest one was an only and strives to keep his or her special place. It's also easy for one to become an achiever — the other an underachiever. The second sometimes seems to be afraid to work too hard because it will prove he or she isn't as smart as the older sibling. While there are many expected patterns, there are plenty of exceptions to them as well.

It's good for parents not to label each child — as in "the smart one," "the creative one," or "the athlete." Of course, sometimes the children label themselves. It's helpful if siblings can learn to say good things to each other, cheer each other on, and admire each other. If they do that, it's easier to cope with the competition they may feel, and it's more likely their siblings will compliment them and cheer them on also. It's very normal to feel competitive with siblings, but they can really be your best friends if you work at coping with the competition in a positive way. If siblings find things they like to do to help each other and also have fun, it supports them in coping with these competitive feelings.

Parents usually love their children equally, although there may be characteristics in some children they're not happy with. Parents don't want children to have to make a choice as to whether they love their moms or dads more, so siblings in the same family can be tied for the love their parents feel. One mom said it this way to her children, "You're my favorite oldest daughter, and you're my favorite youngest daughter. You're my favorite oldest son, and you're my favorite youngest son." As you can figure out, that mom had four children who were tied for love.

As to the teachers, I don't think it hurts children for teachers to mention to a student that he or she knows a sister or brother, but it may be helpful for the teacher to tell the class in general, that even if she knows they are siblings, she recognizes that each child in the family is different and doesn't set expectations based on siblings. For most students, that would take away any pressure they might feel to meet expectations set by an older sister or brother.

For a free newsletter on sibling competition, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to the address below. Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or [email protected]. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.