DEAR SUSAN: I've been in an exclusive relationship for five years. I'm 32, and my biological clock is ticking. But when I mention marriage and children, my boyfriend says he doesn't think I'm ready for kids. He says that my family is trashy and that I've got too many bad habits, but he says I'm getting better. I love him, but I'm tired of waiting for him to decide whether I'm good enough. Help! — Charlotte C., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR CHARLOTTE: Where should I start? I've so much to say I can't cram it all into the space I have. But the thought crowding out the others for first place is your man's timetable. According to him, you're not cooked enough to be a mother; he'll tell you when you're done. Well, in my book, you're done with him! This is someone who stays No. 1 by making you No. 0. Your family, your habits, your maturity level just aren't up to his standards. (He grudgingly admits you're improving.) He'll share your bed, your body, your life (for a while), but he won't marry you. Five years you've been taking this treatment? And you say you love him? Well, excuse me if I rain on your parade, but I doubt your protestations. In your heart of hearts, there must be anger. Justified anger, at that. You're hooked up with a diminisher, someone who feels bad about himself and makes you feel small and less of a person. The only way he can keep you in the relationship is to bring you down to his (low) level. If you thrive on put-downs, if you get off feeling like a second-class nobody, by all means stay put. But if you want a better life, a better partner, better feelings about yourself, GET OUT NOW. Your children would share your smallness if this lowlife at some point deemed you ready for (and worthy of) motherhood. As for marriage, well, it may or may not happen. (Get my drift?) This is a bad man you're living with, someone who has only his welfare at heart. Don't let him talk you out of leaving; he's cooked.

DEAR SUSAN: I've just gotten involved with a newly formed singles group through a Catholic church. It's trying to organize a format for weekly meetings. Guest speakers were mentioned, as well as breaking into smaller groups to discuss various issues. Field trips were also suggested. Do you have any other ideas? — Artie H., Peoria, Ill.

DEAR ARTIE: A newsletter — chatty, informal — would keep members in on the latest events and reinforce their sense of togetherness. And why not ask other churches' single groups to be at some meetings and make the arrangement reciprocal? They would flesh out the number of participants at your picnics, movie outings and trips. (All in the future, of course, but the discussion and planning would pep up your meetings now.) And to bring in new people, consider a flier that would find its way into local stores and into groups of other denominations in the local community. The more the merrier. Make it clear that everyone is welcome to take part in the formation of this new group. Try to make it inclusive. I like the idea of breaking the core group into smaller ones that are based on interests and events. They could meet more often than the main group, perhaps once weekly instead of once monthly. Men and food are big attractions when forming a group, so have plenty of both on hand! Think about a potluck supper on a late Sunday afternoon; ask people to bring their favorite dishes. As for men, well, ask friends to bring men they know, men who love good food and new faces. You should have an overflow crowd! The best of good luck.

SEXUAL BILL OF RIGHTS. It's free, and it's worthwhile. Always in style and always useful. For your generation and all others. Just write to me and ask. But do remember to tuck in a stamped, self-addressed envelope.

A TRAVELER'S TALE: A traveler came to a wise man and asked him about the people in his city. The wise man replied by asking him about the people in the town he had just left. "The people there were very friendly and helpful," the traveler said. "They were very nice, indeed."

"Then you'll find the people in this town are very nice," the wise man said.

A second man came to the sage and asked him the same question. Again, the wise man asked the stranger to describe the people in the town he had just left. "The town was full of thieves and scoundrels," he answered. "All of them were rogues."

"You'll find the people in this town the same."

(You get what you give; you see what you want to see. Think about it.)

Write to Susan Deitz c/o this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at [email protected].