DEAR SUSAN: I loved your advice regarding playing games to keep a man; you couldn't have said it better! This issue reminds me of the novel "The Other Boleyn Girl," in which the young girls must spend their whole existence fighting for the attention of a king, who is no more than an immature child with too much power and a short attention span. Their continual game playing wins them his attention for a while, but ultimately bored, he wanders away to new conquests. It is a sad state of affairs when someone — man or woman — believes he or she must be someone other than himself or herself to win the approval of someone who is probably undeserving of anything more than a passing hello. — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: Games are geared to a short attention span, meant to have a short (but merry) shelf life. The thing is that they're rarely merry for anyone involved, because masks slip with time and the day of reckoning always actualizes, bringing painful surprise. Finding someone to wrap your love around is tough enough, but adding misjudgment can open pent-up floodgates of sad recriminations on both sides. There is really no other way but to be the person you live with day in and day out. Of course (small smile), you can always use the waiting time constructively, to make you more of a person — specifically, by making efforts to know more, help more, smile more, be more involved in your community affairs. Moving into that fast lane puts you in the company of other doers, people not content to wait and hope in life's waiting room. That sort of company quite naturally revs up the pulse rate and makes more things possible. In this pre-romance stage, possibilities are wide-open. Games and disguises are not encouraged, because authenticity is prized. Comments?

DEAR SUSAN: I really connected with the post from a reader on your blog who had recently (and reluctantly) concluded that she (or he?) is asexual. I myself came to the same conclusion, also reluctantly, two years ago. I can find no one to share this with. In January, I found a therapist whose specialty is sexual issues/identity, etc., and I feel I've found someone who gets it. But none of my friends knows this about me; I don't feel at all comfortable sharing it with them but would dearly love to talk with someone else walking this rather lonely road. (I have looked online but can only find people living in distant places). Like your reader, I've been married twice and tried but failed to be a good sex partner. I have a job and friends I enjoy, but I do miss the love, companionship and day-to-day living, the same as your reader. If you could, please give that person my email address. I really would like to correspond. — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: It might be helpful if I connected you with the reader who shares your issue, but it's not possible for all sorts of reasons. For that, I'm sorry. But — and this is huge — you've begun to work with a counselor specializing in matters sexual, and I, for one, couldn't be more pleased that you took steps toward better understanding — and handling the most compelling issue in your life. Be proud — very proud — of yourself for recognizing the gravity of the issue and doing something about the matter that makes you uncomfortably silent in the outside world. Taking the journey inward can and will go far to ease the barrier of feeling different, separated from friends by something you fear sharing. Therapy will guide you to an understanding of yourself that will demystify the issue of sexuality in your young life. Your ego strength is leading you to an understanding of yourself. Bravo.

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