DEAR SUSAN: I absolutely believe that former lovers can be friends. (Nearly every one of my former boyfriends is a dear friend of mine.) If you're willing to be someone's lover, you should first be his friend — and that means that even after the romance is over, friendship should remain. As a rule, I don't trust people who aren't friends with former lovers, because it means they never formed friendship bonds with them — something that makes me suspicious. — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: At first reading, your letter overflows with good sense and maturity. Friendship is the ideal basis for romance; we all agree. But what about the feelings of the lover thrown over, the dumpee? He may not feel so kindly disposed, and the warm feelings he once had have lost their heat and have only singed edges for remembrance. Oh, what exquisite pain that member of the duet sings! Those feelings aren't anything close to friendship — or even good will. (Eventually, they will fade a bit, but it takes a long time before trust is revived.) And sad to say, friendship isn't the basis for the majority of physical joinings. The ending isn't pretty; the dumper walks into the horizon, almost fully intact emotionally, while the dumpee has no choice but to stumble back into the rat race, too dazed to feel much of anything except numbness. Not a pretty picture.

DEAR SUSAN: I'm currently engaged to a woman I've dated for the past 13 years. (We plan on marrying this fall.) Seeing as we've been friends since high school, we've really grown up together. The problem is that I've completed college, whereas she's still struggling to find what she wants to do in life. Now the plot thickens, because a woman I met at work really hit it off with me; we share career goals, plus family ideals and beliefs. This dilemma grows as she faces the same problems with her husband as I face with my fiancee. I do love my fiancee, but I also feel that same love for the other woman. Neither of us has pressured the other, but I'm struggling with the situation. I don't know whether I should consider this relationship a fling and forget her or I should try to work things out. It's a struggle. — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: Love and struggle do not mesh well — especially when the third part is totally out of the loop. You've got to include her in this triangle, being honest (but not brutally honest). But before you spill the beans, my man, you've got to be upfront and personal with No. 1. You also might want to talk this out with a close friend — perhaps a co-worker familiar with this other woman — who may well have comments that give you pause. For pause is what's needed right now — a timeout to make peace from your internal struggle. Your conclusion will affect three lives. That's no small responsibility. But from what I know of the leading man, the resolution will be swift and just.

Have a question for Susan? You can reach her directly at [email protected].