DEAR SUSAN: Why does a man have to be needed? Why can't it be enough for him to be wanted? I'm a fairly independent gal, and I'm sorry if this offends, but I don't need a man in my life. Yet I have one. Why? Because I want him. I love him because he's great to talk to and we share a lot of interests. He has a great attitude about life. Aside from loneliness, my life wouldn't be much different if we split up tomorrow — but I surely hope we don't! — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: Gulp. This corner of the blogosphere has attracted a woman who not only likes/loves her man but also carries her own weight in the partnership. Anyone familiar with history knows that the softened flourishes of womanhood have been powerful tools for women, winning them results that direct action could not. Manipulating the male through her wiles was a woman's game, and it usually achieved its ends. At a steep price. But when Betty Friedan and Gloria Steinem offered women their own personhood as a direct route to potency, those flourishes were tossed aside as unnecessary and vestigial. Our instinctive knack for compromise and cooperation — the diplomacy and tact we had transformed into art — was suddenly regarded as a relic of weakness and traded in for hostility. But you, dear lady, are a fusion feminist, a woman who has grown beyond those relics from the past and has brought into harmony those inner contradictions, which makes you able to be a man's friend, as well as lover. Now you can turn to the man in your life for the purest of reasons — emotional fulfillment. I see a long and loving partnership with your man. You deserve it.

DEAR SUSAN: Going to running clubs and races is a great way for singles to meet people. I met my husband at a race, and it's just common sense that the singles there are looking to meet someone, because people who come to a race are likely to be physically active and health-minded. There are running clubs everywhere. You can do a Google search to find the nearest one, or go to a local sports store for a list of clubs and group runs. — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: Makes great good sense to choose meeting places that truly interest you, for several reasons. It seems to be common sense (or logic?) that the person who shares your passion is also a kindred spirit when it comes to tastes, priorities and values. That's a powerful bond that shows promise of being fertile ground for a lifelong relationship. Could be friendship, partnership or — even — everlasting love. And even if you don't meet a potential mate at a common meeting ground, you won't go home desolated. You'll have enjoyed some sparkling conversation with some like-minded chums — not exactly a waste of time. And if you're the savvy person you seem to be, you'll make a note — mental and written — to return to the scene soon. With high hopes but lowered expectations next time.

DEAR SUSAN: I recently wrote to you about whether I should go on dates with men to whom I'm not sure I'm attracted when they ask me out. You said that 99.9 percent of the time, one's gut knows whether one is attracted to someone. You were correct in that I wasn't physically attracted to those men. The situations really were ones in which I liked their personality and hoped physical attraction would follow. I think I need to be firmer with my gut feelings and not date anyone who doesn't light my fire immediately, unless I make clear that we will be nothing more than friends. — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: I'm not 100 percent sure you should write off men who don't ring your bell from the first get-go. As I said, there is that 0.1 percent of the time when physical attraction comes later, and the lightning bolt can be even more intense for its being delayed. For some women — including me — the mind is the main attraction. As long as he's not repellent, even a bit overweight and balding, he's a contender. (I'm remembering one specific man I met at a political event. I liked talking with him, could almost feel the quickness of his mind, and was drawn to it. The relationship lingered. He went on a diet, and he was a major figure in my work. He was constantly telling me he was a bad bet for anything committed, yet the ending hurt. Very much.) What I'm driving at is that being too quick to drop somebody is, at times, a detriment. There are times when the ignition takes a little time. So if you sense (yes, trust the wisdom of the gut) a possibility, even though it's not an immediate "go," give it a chance. Over and out, friend.

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