DEAR SUSAN: I have a bad habit of getting sexually involved with men on the first date. What is a good way to stop doing this? It's frustrating to ruin what could be a good friendship by running with my hormones, yet I can't seem to quit doing just that. — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: Frustration has prodded you to ask me for a solution to the "bad habit" that is not only a moral dilemma but also diminishing you in your own eyes — and I am pleased and honored that you sought me out. In my moral system, any behavior that lowers self-respect must be ferreted out as quickly as possible and eliminated once and for all. And so I ask you to search your soul — long and hard — for the reason you have sex before you know the man. To win affection? To appease? To barter? To avoid intimacy? (Sounds contradictory, but think about it.) To hide anger? To have him phone you again?

Surely, you don't find every man you meet instantly appealing; there must be other dynamics pushing you into behavior you yourself dislike. I suggest you copy the list, thinking about each reason as you write. They are all inappropriate. When one of them rings a bell, it's time to meditate on your life story, possibly arranging to see a counselor to help with this important process. Please let me know your decision.

(UPDATE: Dear Susan, Thank you very much for your reply. Avoiding intimacy pretty much hit the nail on the head. I have a lot of sorting out to do. Again, my thanks.)

DEAR SUSAN: I need your help understanding the male species (specifically those ages 60 to 70) and online dating for seniors. I was married for 38 good years, and I've been a widow for 1 1/2 years. I am 65, attractive, intelligent and a compassionate woman. I stay in shape and eat healthily. I have a successful business and was initially excited by online dating, as my friend met someone through a dating service; they've been together for more than a year. During the six months I was trying this site, I sent many emails of light conversation focused mainly on the man, with a sprinkling about myself. (I know how to engage people in conversation.) You probably know where I'm going with this online dating service. Your words ring in my head about dating: "Hurt or be hurt." Is it my age that's the difficulty? (I think it is.) Or are men looking for the 50-year-old who will constantly inflate their ego? I'm disappointed. — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: Yes, dating is a process of hurt and/or be hurt; a way to mitigate its stress is to keep your hopes and expectations level at all times. (Easier said than done, for sure.) A good way to accomplish that sleight of hand is to delete dating sites for a while and walk your way out of disappointment. Your mood will lift, you know, by exploring your city, your neighborhood, your interests and seeing what else life has to offer a vibrant woman. That she happens to be unmarried at the time is quite incidental, if you choose to see it that way. It is a Deitz no-no to define yourself by your marital status. Be sure — be very sure — singleness isn't the sum and substance of your identity. (Write in for your copy of the Declaration of Undependence. It's free for the asking — but do send along a return envelope.) You're better/more than that, but making a dating site your home away from home can make you feel diminished, rejected again and again for some silly and mysterious reasons. The point is that you're at someone else's mercy — probably not your favorite spot. (It sure isn't mine!) You might want to think about that while you're putting on your walking shoes, promising to yourself that you'll see what other pleasures life has for you. The best things happen at random. For my sake, do some moseying solo, without a bodyguard. That way, you're open to adventure on your own schedule, at your own pace. Without some silly "date" on the phone asking your age and height and all that silly stuff. (Believe it or not, I've been asked my shoe size. Enough said?) Get out there with zero expectations and high hopes.

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