DEAR SUSAN: What does it say about someone if he can't give an exact reason for breaking up? After spending almost two years with me in a committed relationship with no fighting, lots of caring and plenty of "I love you," my now-ex seemed to wake up one day and decide for both of us it was over. I realize I must get over it and move on, but when you're blindsided, it's not that easy. If he at least could have given me a reason, I would be able to go on without wondering what I did wrong or what I could have done differently. Any insight from you and/or male readers would be helpful. — Jeanmarie J., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR JEANMARIE: You had me equally at sea about the breakup rationale until I read "with no fighting." It was then that I had a not-so-vague suspicion you had explained it all — unknowingly, of course, which only makes the split more tragic. Since when can a pair of adults spend two years locked in an exclusive embrace and not fight? That's difficult to imagine for this advice columnist long immersed in the relationship world, even more so for someone who's not. (Ahem.) C'mon. Get real. Were there no moments of irritation, of annoyance, of downright antagonism over something he did or didn't say? Something he forgot to say or do? Do you expect me to believe 24 months of unwedded bliss passed — two years of a cloudless sky? Even you must be smiling sadly when you read these words. It just cannot be — in a real relationship, in which lovers feel free to erupt and sputter and allow the anger to be expressed and then renew the good feelings. That freedom is the stuff of which good relating is built! Both partners must feel free enough to let it all hang out. That's the freedom that makes relationships sturdier. Actually, the first fight is a rite of passage and can be celebrated. I can only imagine the pent-up resentment felt by your now-ex. I hope he learns from it. And you?

DEAR SUSAN: I've been enjoying my single life in the exact fashion you suggest, not waiting to be in a relationship to live a full life, and I have to say I feel very content right now. I am really enjoying my alone time, doing things I haven't done in a long time. I just turned 40 this month; it was difficult, but I'm accepting it. Last September, my fiance and I broke up, so I've been single since then, and I've decided to wait awhile before dating. To be honest, I've never been hit on by as many men as I am now — younger and older, mostly from my office and people I meet through business.

It's really weird. In my 20s, I was really pretty but considered unapproachable; now I look more mainstream, not as slim but still desirable. I still hope to meet someone who will love me unconditionally, but for now I'm content being alone, which is new for me. One of my biggest fears was being alone, which caused me to marry (in my 20s) the wrong man and then stay with another on and off for eight years when I knew after the first year he wasn't for me.

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that I enjoy reading your column immensely. You really have a keen understanding of what it's like to be single. I know you were single for a while after your husband died. I remember that from reading your book a few years ago. I'd love you to write another one! Thank you for such a worthwhile column. You help many people understand the importance of self-esteem in successful relating. — Carole Y., Portland, Ore.

DEAR CAROLE: Impeccable timing on your part! I'm incubating a book at the moment, and it's taking a bit longer than expected. I guess it's because I've learned the value of waiting, letting ideas and events percolate and marinate. (Works well in cooking, why not in life?) It seems you, too, have gained the confidence to wait a bit — to let events play themselves out — and give yourself more time to shape life your way. Time is so very precious, and alone time is the most precious gift we're given in singlehood, if only we'd realize it. (It's not as much under your control when you're coupled, but if you're wise enough to bring the lessons of singleness with you into your relationship, you'll be able to make time for yourself there, too. In fact, you'll insist on it.) It's not weird; it's downright wonderful that you've come to your selfhood at age 40. You're right on schedule, I'd say. A woman of 40 has at least 40 more years of ripeness and full flowering; don't forget that. Time is on your side. No hurry to do anything but be all you can be. Be it with grace, with femininity and with dignity. Thanks for the appreciation.

Write to Susan Deitz in care of this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at [email protected].