Once we fall in love, we tend to think it's the other person, our lover, who makes us feel complete, filling in the missing part of our emotional neediness. Both sexes fall into that abyss and some never fully recover. Sadly, we tend to look for the person who makes us feel like a "real woman/man," totally fulfilled and whole. It isn't so, my friends.

What actually happens in love is that the ACT of loving puts us in touch with our ability to feel love, and that ability is the missing part we've craved. By inspiring us to express lovingness, our beloved connects us with that missing element of ourselves. It isn't that she/he fills you up and makes you whole and you're all jagged edges without her/him. The person you love is a catalyst, not a missing piece. The point is, no person outside yourself has the ability to make you whole. (That's worth another reading, even if you're in a hurry.)

Keep that gem in mind and you probably won't be so quick to look to love (or a love object) for salvation. Using that fact as your mantra you'll stop waiting for Eros to come along, and today start building into your life other sources of satisfaction — friends, family, work, interests — and become your own savior. (Nothing feels as good as being your own hero.) And besides saving yourself, you'll be liberating some woman/man from having to be all things to you. While you're musing on that concept, pay attention to others on the subject of healthy brainwashing.

1. Set aside 10 minutes a day to "brainwash" yourself (in a positive, natural way) about new beliefs.

2. Each day choose one belief ("I am a capable man/woman" or "I'm building a full life for myself") and repeat it aloud or think it quietly to yourself, over and over until it resonates in your mind.

3. Breathe slowly and form the words as you exhale. (Do remember to keep the phone off the hook and close the windows; this is quiet time.) Eventually, you'll feel the words in your body.

4. Repeat these phrases as you drift off to sleep, on your way to work and while you walk supermarket aisles. They're particularly valuable when you're feeling blue.

Assimilate them as you would a new language, and with repetition your thoughts will start to mimic the words and you'll feel more confident, energized and unburdened. Pretty soon friends will notice your new attitudes; their reaction will reinforce your changed behavior — and they may even change! You can begin that cycle of transformation while you're becoming:

— Clearer about who you are

— Readier to express your mental clarity

— Surer of the decisions you make

— More compatible with yourself and others

— Easier to be with

— Less timid about taking the initiative

— Less self-conscious about being unmarried

— Less anxious about the future

— More content with your life

— More honest with the other sex

— Better able to be a friend

One more hint: While you're going through this transition, assimilating these changes and growing comfortable with them, I suggest you avoid making a major love commitment. In this phase, while you're growing into wholeness, is the time to be looking around at relationships of all kinds for examples of working mutualism. Make your romantic goal an equal partnership, a healthy mix of mutual dependence and reciprocal responsibility. I wish it to you.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or, you may e-mail her at [email protected].