The following are five dating profiles written by last-minute holiday gifts looking for a loving partnership this season.

WHISKEY STONES

Hi! I am a set of six soapstone cubes designed to cool liquor without watering it down. I'm looking for a stable home and a drink, lol! No, literally, that's my whole thing. Anyway, I said I'd swear off online dating, but after spending four years rotating between Father's Day and Christmas endcaps at JCPenney, I'm ready to settle down. I'm seeking someone who loves whiskey, or at least lies about loving whiskey in social settings. I'd love an uncle, maybe, or a husband who spends time in the office at 2 a.m. Most weekends, I can be found hanging out on gift guides under the header "For Him," next to leather goods, gourmet hot sauce, barbecue tools, Bluetooth headphones and On Cloud sneakers. Who is "him"? No one knows, haha. I'm a package deal, in that I come with stainless-steel tongs. I hope you can accept and love them as much as I do.

SCENTED CANDLE

Hey, baby. Let me help you relax, cast a soft glow over your pile of dirty macaroni and cheese bowls, flicker softly while you scroll Get Ready With Me TikToks. You're sick of reading these disingenuous dating profiles where everyone promises adventure, aren't you? Well, that's not me. I'm not taking you on any mountain bike rides, Princess. I'm here to scent your already vanilla life with... well, um, vanilla. Specifically Warm Vanilla Sugar Cookie. I am a three-wick, glass jar girlie in a scent everyone loves because it calls to mind baking without all the work of actual baking. I am $8.99, which is within the Secret Santa budget. Take me home today and I will soften the misery of your existence, or the miserable existence of your closest work acquaintance. I don't know what to do with my bulbous lid, either.

LOTION

Three words to describe me are: emollient, emulsifier and humectant. Yeah, I guess I'm kind of the brainy one, which is ironic because I'm so underestimated. I have a reputation as the worst last-minute gift of all the gifts. They say I convey, "I literally know nothing about you except that you have skin." But, listen, I'm really complex, and I'm looking for someone who realizes this. Like, Scented Candle is not out here increasing stratum corneum water. Ask Whiskey Stones what he knows about intercellular lipid bilayers. Oof, here I go, making this about others again. I haven't been this triggered since I got rejected from Bath & Body Works and demoted to Walmart. Lighten this up, Lotion, lighten this up. I am... let's see, what's fun about me? I'm Hibiscus Coconut. I am pink. I have shimmer. I will give your epidermis a smooth, protective layer. I deserve love, too.

LIQUOR GIFT SET

Whaaazaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!?! SWIPE RIGHT!!! Grab me on your way to the White Elephant and you won't be disappointed!!!!1!! Your friend who receives me might be disappointed, because no one really wants a keepsake glass inscribed with RUMCHATA, but once they crack me open, it's on like Donkey Kong!!! I'm just a good time! I don't take life too seriously, YOLO, no FOMO! Mix me with my friend Fireball Gift Set! She comes with mini Solo cup ornaments! More the merrier, if you know what I mean!!! Get Crown Royal Gift Set and their cut glass tumblers on the horn! Paging Gentleman Jack Gift Set and his holiday sour mix!! Life of the party right here, and I come in peppermint bark flavor!! Let's puke!!

MUG

I'm a mug. My favorite book is "The Catcher in the Rye." I hate fakeness. I hate drama. I hate bad attitudes. I'm a mug. I'm looking for a 10 who cooks and doesn't have issues. I hold liquids. The front of me says "I Hate Mondays," which is funny, because everyone hates Mondays. People say I'm really funny. I like to sit in cabinets that are really full with other mugs. My handle sticks out and makes the door hard to close. I'm a mug. If you talk to me about your ex-mug, we're done. Not gonna lie, I want someone hot. I'm hot. I'm a mug.

Stephanie Hayes is a columnist at the Tampa Bay Times in Florida. Follow her at @stephhayes on Twitter or @stephrhayes on Instagram.

Photo credit: image4you at Pixabay