This whole Disney thing is embarrassing. Just pretend briefly that you wanted to run for president (terrible idea, don't do it, the rapid aging alone is reason to avoid). But say you did. There are plenty of vote-getting moves that don't include "demolish the Happiest Place on Earth," "render the vile Mouse powerless" and "force average families to choose between me, a rather cold politician, and their fondest, most magical memories."

Strange, confusing and deeply unserious times! However, now that Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis has started scrapping with the most popular theme park in the world, also a behemoth employer in Florida, he must come to the bleachers after school and assume a "Street Fighter" stance. Yes, he will say Disney started it by simply acknowledging the right of non-straight people to exist in schools. Uh, true?

By now, you have read more about special taxing districts than you ever planned in your life, so I'll try to consolidate. DeSantis's latest moves include trying to invalidate this prank Disney did where it stole everyone's underwear at the sleepover and put them in the freezer. Retaliation plans include projects that could force higher taxes on Disney; DeSantis teased the possibility of building a prison next to these celebrated family attractions. His team may say that was a joke. Hilarious! Also, he wants the state to inspect monorails and rides, which seems dangerously close to "regulation" and might be a good thing as long as the inspectors aren't, like, Ursula the Sea Witch turning the trains into eels.

Among the public, this melee has been as popular as that slow ride through the Epcot ball where we learn about Gutenberg's printing press. Other states are courting Disney's business, including North Carolina with — this is real — a proposed "Mickey's Freedom Restoration Act." Even some fellow Republicans have started to pretend they don't see DeSantis in the grocery store. The key is to move swiftly to the produce area and linger, squeezing avocados. Only then can you break the aisle cycle.

Disney, for its part, appears largely unbothered as the lawyers do their jobs, paid mightily while dressed as the Walrus from "Alice in Wonderland" (probably, just guessing). Now, to prove his commitment to this featherbrained endeavor, DeSantis has to step it up to come out of this with the villagers singing a victory song.

Here's a smattering of threats for the governor to consider during the next six rounds of the news cycle:

Position a medieval catapult outside the park gates and lay siege by launching multiple bags of dog doo-doo at Cinderella's Castle.

Locusts? Does anyone have locusts? Or does that get into wildlife transport issues?

Put a stop to the It's a Small World ride due to flagrant diversity and inclusion efforts that clearly violate state law.

Release thousands of marbles all over the ground near Star Wars: Galaxy's Edge. Yes, I did repurpose this plotline from the iconic motion picture "Showgirls."

A mandated shutdown of all Dole Whip stands in the parks would show Disney who's boss. It would also make guests hurl strollers across Adventureland in a blind rage, so please have state safety inspectors ready.

No rainbows in the park, obviously. No, not rainbow merchandise. Actual rainbows. You know, reflection, refraction, dispersion of light, all that. The governor needs to get a committee together on this, ASAP. It is the most important issue facing the state.

Stephanie Hayes is a columnist at the Tampa Bay Times in Florida. Follow her at @stephhayes on Twitter or @stephrhayes on Instagram.

Photo credit: StockSnap at Pixabay