What group constitutes the greatest danger to English?

Is it the Great Unwashed — careless abusers of grammar, usage, punctuation and pronunciation who pollute the linguistic atmosphere with blunders?

Is it the Great Prewashed — denim-clad teenagers who tattoo their speech with "like" and make every statement sound like a question?

Or is it the Great Brainwashed — faceless bureaucrats who clog the arteries of discourse with their buzzwords, jargon and obfuscation?

Today, I've invited a representative from each group to debate this lively issue: Les Mistakes, Mehan Herr and Ree Invent.

Word Guy: What do you want to accomplish today?

Les: Hopefully, we're going to try and do something in regards to language. Irregardless, between you and I, this discussion is very unique.

Mehan: So, like, me and them are gonna, like, argue? That's so random!

Ree: We're really thinking outside the box here, constructing a new paradigm with fresh parameters.

Word Guy: What do you think are the greatest challenges facing English today?

Les: Them and me make mistakes, but I make less mistakes. There ain't nothing wrong with saying stuff like they say it, but sometimes they wreck havoc.

Mehan: That seems, like, sooooo sketchy? Me and him don't agree. He's all, like, "You're wrong," and I'm all like, "Hello?"

Ree: We need to ramp up the dialogue here, reinvent the wake-up call and be more proactive about what is doable.

Word Guy: There must be some common ground...

Les: I'm literally jumping out of my skin. I'm not taking this laying down. Are you saying I'm trying to flaunt the rules?

Mehan: Like, chill or something? That's really bogus?

Ree: If we can reposition our assets and grow the language, we can reframe the conversation in terms of a level playing field.

Word Guy: You mean clarity, brevity and levity?

Les: To revert back to what I said before — and I seldomly do that — those are things, which I'm enamoured to.

Mehan: Whatever.

Ree: At the end of the day, we need to move the goal posts to achieve value-added core competencies and craft new narratives that are robust and transparent.

Rob Kyff, a teacher and writer in West Hartford, Conn., invites your language sightings. Send your reports of misuse and abuse, as well as examples of good writing, via email to [email protected] or by regular mail to Rob Kyff, Creators Syndicate, 737 3rd Street, Hermosa Beach, CA 90254