I am in full bunker lockdown mode, heavily fortified, nose in the wind, ear to the ground, finger on the trigger and poised to make a break for the hills.

Even the despot Castro smells an economic rat. He has credentials. After almost 50 years of communist looting, he has raised Cubans' annual per capita income to $3,900, almost enough to buy one '55 rust bucket sans motor and wheels.

He rose last week from his soiled sickbed to pen a love letter to his people: "Reflections of the Comandante in Chief."

Is this a Cuban farce or an outtake from "Hogan's Heroes"?

He slammed America for the corn/ethanol scam, in which the government takes money from Joe Taxpayer to give to fat-cat farmers and ag conglomerates, who grease the palms of politicians, then sell their product back to Joe Taxpayer. Anxious to please, politicians jack up Joe's costs with taxes, or tariffs, on imported ethanol. The corn/ethanol racket can charge higher prices, and politicians can skim off more taxes to buy votes. They pass laws to make Joe burn high-cost ethanol in his car. Joe Taxpayer gets tapped coming and going, with ceremonial interludes to salute the flag, praise democracy and pass the peas.

That's the definition of fascism. Look it up.

Castro says America's ethanol scheme will kill 3 billion people from thirst and starvation. Communist math. No wonder they eat beans and rice.

You got to appreciate the Castros: communists lecturing fascists on the evils of economic mismanagement.

Say what you will, world leaders suffer no shortage of talent in theater of the absurd.

I humbly offer this advice: Fumigate that beard, comrade. After that, I got a dull machete to help you shave it off.

What do you expect from the Comandante in Chief?

Meanwhile, over in Congress, our very own Counterfeiter in Chief Ben Bernanke, head of the Federal Reserve, testified to Congress in the ongoing theater between government spendthrifts and their semi-private, quasi-public bankers.

As we all know, the Fed allegedly exists to stabilize prices and has done its job so well that it takes a dollar today to buy what five cents purchased when the Fed was created. Bernanke has credentials.

He said he does not necessarily see a recession coming.

You got to appreciate government toadies.

Wake up, comrade, and smell the sewer! We are already in a recession!

The evidence?

Housing prices left the solar system 18 months ago thanks to Fed inflation. But the Fed cannot defy the laws of economics, or gravity either, so housing is coming back like an asteroid on a collision course.

The subprime mortgage fiasco is spilling over into the broader mortgage market. A Reuters headline screamed, "Mortgage crisis hits million-dollar homes." Actually, the headline did not scream. That was me when I read it.

M3 monetary inflation rages at 11 percent.

Price inflation is at least a flaming 4 percent higher than the government's tortured CPI calculation. When you subtract that from the alleged 2.5 percent growth in GDP, you get a negative growth rate.

Guys such as Jim Willie, John Williams, Robert McHugh, Kurt Richebacher, Puru Saxena, Bill Bonner, Doug Noland and the legendary and elusive Mogambo Guru have been writing about and predicting this meltdown for three years.

Rep. Ron Paul of Texas knows the racket, too. He said to Bernanke, "We don't look to the cause, which is easy credit."

Bernanke said nothing.

He knows the Fed made the easy credit. He knows the Fed caused the coming meltdown.

You will notice Ben Bernanke has a beard. I extend my offer for a shave, comrade.

As for Congress, I offer haircuts all around.

Phil Lucas is executive editor of The News Herald in Panama City, Fla. Contact him at [email protected]. To find out more about Lucas and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.