Dear John: I've been having an affair with "Jack," a married co-worker, for three years. We both knew it was wrong, but a relationship started, then cooled off out of guilt.

Jack has been nervous around me lately. Currently, we've both agreed to be "just friends," but lately, he's insisted I am still pursuing him. I told him that I wasn't at all and although I loved him, I didn't expect anything from him because of his situation.

We agreed to continue our friendship and sometimes make small talk. But lately he can't even be in the same room with me. I don't understand this. He also seems to oppose my professional development. Now he won't endorse me at work for a promotion, but he endorses others instead. I don't want this affair to damage my career. What can I do about this? —Ashamed, in Richmond, Va.

Dear Ashamed: Consummating a consensual office affair, particularly when one of the partners is married, and specifically when one of the partners holds the keys to the other's professional advancement, is asking for trouble. For employers, the backlash can represent both a financial and moral price; and employees lose credibility — the very currency that counts most toward a promotion.

Quite often, when a man feels guilty, he doesn't want to face those that will recognize his guilt. You can bet that Jack is feeling guilty for what he's done. When he is with others, he can hide that guilt; but when he is with you, this is not possible — unless you can demonstrate that, in your mind, the relationship is truly a thing of the past. You can do this by never mentioning it again. Still, it will take time for him to feel personally comfortable around you again.

Your desire to be friends is admirable, but if you want to reverse course and back away from what was an inappropriate liaison, it would be wise to keep any future relationship on strictly a business basis. Let your work, not your past relationship, speak for you.

Dear John: On the old Oprah show, I saw you give a great explanation of forgiveness and how we can release others of obligations to make amends. It was so powerful! Could you repeat it? —Moving Forward, in Santa Barbara, Calif.

Dear Moving Forward: Briefly stated, forgiveness is letting go of our tendency to hold others responsible for our situation in life. By releasing others of any obligations to make amends or changes to the person that they are, we also free ourselves to move on and begin the work of making our own dreams come true.

John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." Visit his website, http://www.marsvenus.com, for advice on dating, marriage, parenting, romance and workplace issues. Or e-mail him at [email protected]. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.