Dear John: My husband and I have been married for 13 years. Eighteen months ago, my husband secretly went back to smoking, despite repeatedly lying to me on the subject — even when I've caught him sneaking a smoke.

Our lives are very stressful. We have three children, and he works two jobs. Money is tight, and I find myself depressed. I feel that he has lied to me about his smoking for so long. We've started counseling, but I feel he is not being honest about his feelings when we go. In any case, I doubt everything he says and does. Please help us. —Smoked Out, in Green Bay, Wis.

Dear Smoked Out: Numerous research studies have proven that smoking is a very difficult addiction to break. Your husband probably wants to quit smoking as badly as you want him to, but quite possibly his addiction is not allowing him to do so. He was hoping that his lies would keep you from worrying, and that they would cover up the fact that the addiction, for now anyway, has gotten the better of him.

You mentioned that both of you are currently experiencing a great amount of stress. It's probably making him smoke, which gives you an excuse to mistrust him. Because he fibbed about smoking does not mean he lies to you about other issues. Start addressing the reasons — which I feel is your mutual stress — with your counselor. Look for ways to reduce anxiety, both together and separately. Answers may include hobbies, sports, meditation, massage, or maybe something as simple as long walks.

Dear John: About three months ago, my live-in boyfriend of two years asked me to marry him. "Richard" was unable to afford a ring at the time, but I still said yes. Since then, he hasn't wanted to talk about planning a wedding. He says it's because his finances are not so great, and he would like to be able to buy me a "much nicer ring." He's afraid that if the ring is small people will notice. I feel that neither the ring, nor the size of the wedding, should matter. I just love him and want to be with him. Yet as the months drag on, I still see no sign of a ring, and I get stonewalled when I want to discuss a wedding. I have begun to doubt his intentions. How do I handle this situation in a way that protects his ego, but doesn't leave me feeling stepped on in the process?—Engaged Maybe, in Columbia, S.C.

Dear Maybe: Most men need to feel financially secure in order to commit. As this apparently was the case with Richard, it was imprudent for him to propose. Sometimes, however, when a mistake has been made, the best solution is to go back and undo what was done.

Let him know that you understand his perspective and you've decided to postpone the marriage yourself until he feels that he is in a better financial position. This puts the responsibility back on him to get the ball rolling, if indeed he is serious about marrying you. When that time comes, he should propose again.

John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." Visit his website, http://www.marsvenus.com, for advice on dating, marriage, parenting, romance and workplace issues. Or email him at [email protected]. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com