Finding it hard to remember the year that just passed? Let us aid your recall, in song:
LARRY CRAIG'S TINKLE BELLS (to "Jingle Bells")
Sitting on the throne
In a Minnesota loo
Very far from home
Don't have much to do.
I tap my dapper toe
Underneath the stall
Suddenly a cop leaps out
And pins me to the wall.
But!
I'm not gay, I'm not gay
I'm not gay, no way!
Oh, how dumb to think I'd come and look for sex that way. Hey!
I'm not gay, I'm not gay
I'm not gay, no way!
I just like to sit in johns and wave at men all day.
ADVICE TO OBAMA (to "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town")
Oh, you better watch out, you better not mope
You better get out and peddle that hope.
Oprah Winfrey's comin' to stump.
She's pumped about you, she's dumpin' on Hil
Gonna make you her next Dr. Phil.
Oprah Winfrey's comin' to stump.
She knows that she's got power
She knows just what to do
She's gonna give you lots of votes
And you'll get a free car, too.
Oh — you better watch out, you better look great
You better not even mention her weight.
Oprah Winfrey's comin' …
Oprah Winfrey's comin' …
Win-win-Winfrey's comin' to stump!
I HAD A LITTLE IPHONE (to "The Dreidel Song")
I had a little iPhone
A phone I did adore.
I paid 600 smackers
The next week it was 4.
Oh, Stevie, Stevie, Stevie,
You made me overpay.
I'd like to stick your nano
Where it's hard to press "play."
WE'RE DELAYED (to "Let It Snow")
Oh, the weather outside is frightful
But of course they crammed this flight full
Just don't say these words, I prayed:
"We're delayed, we're delayed, we're delayed."
Now the pilot is getting folksy
Using words like "okey dokesy."
So much for my free upgrade
We're delayed, we're delayed, we're delayed.
No one's certain when we'll push back
Seems we're 18th or 19th to go.
I had hoped that they'd serve a snack
Guess I'll just gnaw on my toe.
Oh, the pilot is gettin' loopy
He said, "Folks, I made a poopy."
For a camel ride I would trade
We're delayed, we're delayed, we're delayed.
We're delayed, we're delayed, we're delayed.
This year, a proposal was floated suggesting Jews not light candles on the eighth night of Hanukkah to cut down on global warming. Hence:
DON'T LIGHT THAT MENORAH (to "Oh Hanukkah")
Oh Hanukkah, Oh Hanukkah,
Don't light that menorah!
Each little candle's
An earth-warming horror.
Gather 'round the table
We'll give you a treat:
A 15-minute lecture
On trapped planet heat.
All that we are sayin'
Is candles are not such a lark:
You can eat gelt
While the polar caps melt
But it's better to sit in the dark.
You can eat gelt
While the polar caps melt
But it's better to sit in the dark.
AL GORE'S NOBEL PRIZE ROCK (to "Jingle Bell Rock")
Nobel Prize, Nobel Prize, Nobel Prize Rock
I got the prize, and you got Iraq.
Santa is savin' some coal for your sock
And plenty of Fannie Mae stock.
Nobel Prize, Nobel Prize, Nobel Prize Rock
I got an Oscar, too!
You stole the vote, but I get to gloat 'cause
That's the Nobel Prize, whole darn global prize, that's the Nobel Prize Rock!
SUBPRIME BLUES (to "Silent Night")
Citibank, Citibank
Made some loans
They all stank.
Lost $8 billion through breathtaking greed.
Got your butt saved by Prince Alwaleed.
Who says you never sleep? Who says you never sleep?
MAILER THE SHOWMAN (to "Frosty the Snowman")
Mailer the showman
Was as wild as wild could be
With an early wife
He stabbed with a knife
And another two or three.
Mailer the showman
Was a macho SOB
But he did go write
"Armies of the Night"
So I guess, Norm, R.I.P.
Yes, I guess, sir, R.I.P.
AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT … OF SLEEP (to "All Through the Night")
Sleep, my child, just pop Lunestas
All through the night.
Give sweet dreams to drug investors
All through the night.
Ambien should help with snoozing
Or Sonata — it's confusing.
Better still, why not try boozing?
All through the night.
To hear these songs, go to www.nysun.com/article/67937 for a podcast. And happy holidays!
Lenore Skenazy is a columnist at The New York Sun and Advertising Age. To find out more about Lenore Skenazy ([email protected]) and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
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