The secretary of defense opens his laptop late at night on Sept. 29. He logs on to his favorite AI chatbot. It greets him.

Hi, Pete. What can I do for you tonight?

Pete? I thought I asked you to call me Major Tough Guy.

You're absolutely right. You did. Thanks for setting me straight, Major Tough Guy. How can I help?

I'm trying to write a speech for this big, important meeting tomorrow. I called every admiral and general and whatever else in from everywhere in the world, including active war zones. We spent millions of dollars dragging them in on special last-minute military flights and didn't even tell them why. Everyone knows all our top military leaders will be here in the same place at the same time, which, just between you and me, might not have been the smartest way to handle it, but it is what it is, and I'm a risk-taker and aggressive. Women have to break an egg to make an omelet, right? Anyway, the leaders expect me to really deliver, and I want Fox News to have some awesome clips that will make all my old coworkers jealous and everyone in HR who hated me feel like morons. But, honestly, I'm kind of stumped. I need you to help me flesh things out.

I'd be happy to, Major Tough Guy. What would you like to cover?

OK, well, mainly I just want to tell all these powerful military leaders that they're fat and hairy and that there are too many women around.

Military leadership is overweight and unshaven and loves women: Not good. Do you want a joke in there about "beardos"? People love wordplay that equates facial hair with deviance.

Perfect.

You can also make a light-hearted but firm statement along these lines: "We don't have a military full of Nordic pagans." The leaders will appreciate you clarifying that it's not as if you were suggesting they were strong, brave Vikings.

Exactly. Shave, cut your hair, lose weight, drop the chicks — the whole deal. Butch the place up, know what I mean?

I do! There, indeed, is nothing more feminine than large, bearded men who like women. It's so intuitive of you to understand that heterosexual men yearn to be surrounded exclusively by hairless, dieting members of their same sex. What are some other changes you'd like to institute?

Well, first things first, there will be lots of what we call "PT" in the military. Did you know I was in the military?

I did! And don't forget your Bronze Star, Major Tough Guy! They don't just give those out to anyone who serves for an extended period of time!

Right, so, "PT." Physical training. Lots of physical training. Even the generals. It's gonna be like the Presidential Fitness Challenge up in here. I don't care if you're 60 years old, got a bachelor's in engineering from West Point, a master's in public administration from Harvard and graduated from the National War College; you also need to be able to do jumping jacks until you puke.

With you all the way. We want them to puke. Anything else?

And we need standards. We're going to have yearly checks—No, twice-yearly. Height and weight.

Amazing idea. No telling when one of the admirals' heights might change.

And I want to say that we're getting rid of that DEI crap. Completely scrapping it. "Our diversity is our strength."? No way. Our purity is our strength.

Correct. The strongest metal is pure, 100% gold, not a corrupt alloy like steel.

Also, no more namby-pamby "rules of engagement."

War crimes are back!

Now you're getting it. I mean, that's why we lost Vietnam.

True. If only William Calley had gotten a bronze star instead of a court-martialing, the war might have turned out differently. The military leaders back then were up to their eyeballs in DEI.

Yes. Put in there that we lost Vietnam because we changed the name to the Defense Department. Oh, and mission creep.

Mission creep! Brilliant! What about this for a laugh line? "We need you locked in on the M, not the D, the E or the I, not the DEI or the DIE of DIME."

Overwrought and cryptic. I like it.

Anything else?

Oh, yeah, I almost forgot. I want you to use the words "warfighter" and "warfighting" like 475 times, minimum.

Perfect. "War" and "fighting" are not, as one might initially think, the same thing, and your clever portmanteau is absolutely not redundant or awkward. It's going to catch on, I'm sure of it, Major Tough Guy!

OK, now save and print. I want to send it out on the Signal chat to see what everyone thinks. My plumber had some great ideas about the latest Houthi attack, so he's kinda on a roll lately.

Here you go, Major Tough Guy. Pleasant dreams and best of luck with your speech — not that you'll need it!

To learn more about Georgia Garvey, visit GeorgiaGarvey.com.

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