Cars, like life, are usually about compromises. You can drink a lot of beer and eat Chinese takeout every night ... or you can look good in a bathing suit. But there is one car that doesn't compromise anything while delivering almost everything imaginable.
It is the Mercedes-Benz AMG S 63.
What It Is
The AMG S 63 is the ultra-performance version of Mercedes' ultra-luxury full-size S-Class sedan. It's nearly twice the size (and weight) of a Chevy Corvette, but it's quicker; it gets better gas mileage; and it offers amenities you won't find in a Corvette, such as a reclining and massaging rear seat with its very own ottoman.
Base price is $147,500, about three times the price of a new Corvette. That's the one compromise you'll have to make!
What's New
The 2018 S 63 gets a mild cosmetic refresh including restyled headlights, grille, front clips and rear clips, as well as updated software and apps for the Comand interface, which controls most of the electronic features.
What's Good
It compromises nothing.
It passes nearly everything
It outclasses pretty much anything.
What's Not So Good
Rear passenger flat-screen TVs aren't touch-screen; you have to use remotes.
The back-seat fridge (optional) eats up some trunk space.
This car is a drug. Once you're hooked, it's not easy to give it up.
Under the Hood
How do you get almost 5,000 pounds of full-size Mercedes sedan from zero to 60 mph in 3.4 seconds?
Speed is just a question of horsepower. You need exactly 603 horsepower. And 664 foot-pounds of torque.
That's the power produced by the S 63's hand-built 4.0-liter V-8, which is signed by the man who built it.
Amazingly, the mighty Mercedes manages to deliver 17 mpg city and 26 mpg highway, spectacular fuel efficiency for an almost 5,000-pound sled with 600-plus horsepower under its hood.
The much lighter, much smaller Corvette only manages 16 mpg city and 25 mpg highway, and takes 3.7 seconds to get from zero to 60.
On the Road
From a standstill, at first there isn't as much drama as there is in two-door (and real-wheel drive) supercars.
The combination of all-wheel drive, almost 5,000 pounds and a not-fierce 2.82:1 final drive ratio sees to that. The rear tires don't light up, and your neck isn't violently snapped backward. But a moment later, you feel a sensation comparable to being whisked up to the 115th floor of a skyscraper in a high-speed elevator that accelerates upward not one floor at a time but several at a time, all of this while bathed in the cheerful glow of the full-length flat-screen instrument panel and ambient door panel/footwell accent lighting.
Enjoy a massage while listening to Tannhauser on the pitch-perfect 26-speaker Burmester sound system.
At the Curb
All versions of the S sedan have a long wheelbase (124.6 inches), and that includes the S 63, which means that the back-seat riders get even more legroom (43.1 inches) than the driver and front seat passenger (41.4 inches).
This is one of an extremely small number of cars whose back seat is more enjoyable to ride in — especially if you order the reclining and massaging rear seats. Even if you don't, the back-seat occupants get individual LCD monitors and everyone gets heated armrests.
The optional Magic Sky roof is almost as dazzling as the infrared night vision. Yes, really. It magically (well, electrically) changes tint from translucent to not, as you prefer. The latter turns darkness ahead into light without using the headlights. Engage the system and — like the Terminator — you can see everything, including warm-blooded things like deer and pedestrians walking along the road, the idea being if you see 'em, you're less likely to hit 'em.
Turn up the volume of the Burmester ultra-premium audio system and the tweeters mounted in each A-pillar on the left and right side of the windshield twirl and extend.
The concert is about to begin!
The Rest
Mercedes offers several matte/flat nonreflective paint schemes that look like a standard silver or charcoal but without the shiny topcoat. It's an interesting look that's growing in popularity as the finishing touch for very powerful cars, perhaps because it makes them more stealthy-looking.
The one S 63 deficit is a fairly small trunk — for a full-size sedan.
It's just 16.6 cubic feet — about the same size as that of a Honda Accord — and if you opt for the rear-seat fridge, you will find a big box inside the trunk, which takes away about 1 of those cubic feet.
But the Accord doesn't come with a fridge in the back.
The Bottom Line
Owning an S 63 is like eating General Tso's every night, never going to the gym and still looking like Megan Fox.
Eric's new book, "Don't Get Taken for a Ride!" is available now. To find out more about Eric and read his past columns, please visit the Creators Syndicate webpage at www.creators.com.
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