As a professional speaker, I meet a lot of self-help gurus, some of whom are only too happy to work on my various character flaws. No charge. I never even have to ask. Recently, one cornered me in a hotel bar. I'd delivered the convention's opening keynote. He'd done an afternoon workshop called "Proclaiming Your Marvelousness." (I hadn't attended. Unfortunately, when it started, I was tied up doing anything else I could think of.)

"I saw your keynote," he said in a tone that made it clear he had suggestions. Oh goody. I don't have a problem with criticism. By which I mean I hate criticism — like everyone. But speakers are routinely evaluated by hundreds of attendees. You learn to mine the gold without overreacting. Too much.

Plus, my session could hardly have gone better. As an 8 a.m. keynote after the first night of Mardi Gras, it did take time for some of the truly stricken to reach consciousness. But soon even the worst cases were involved and having fun — even the guy with the greenish face and the stained "Show Us Your Tah-Tahs" T-shirt. The few that weren't standing for the final ovation might have been incapable of it.

Mr. Tah-Tahs, who turned out to be a bank director — fortunately not my bank — gave me the closest thing I got to a negative evaluation: "I heard Bill Maher was going to be here. This wasn't Bill Maher. I hate Bill Maher." Then he rated me (Barry Maher) five out of five "for not being Bill Maher." (I've always excelled at not being somebody else. Most memorably when Sophia Loren decided I was nothing like her ex. Not THAT Sophia Loren.)

In any case, I was enjoying my drink and didn't feel the need for additional feedback from Mr. Marvelous. I'm not being sarcastic. Actually, I am being sarcastic, but that's what was written on his name tag, "Mr. Marvelous."

"You're too self-deprecating," he told me. "You need to work on your self-esteem. Don't just offer suggestions. Be an authority, an expert. A shaman." (A shaman?) "Deliver THE WORD OF GOD! Revel in your marvelousness. "

My marvelousness might have been down a quart — or two. Some days it barely even registered on the dipstick. But poking fun at myself had nothing to do with low self-esteem. I simply didn't want to come across like one of those perfect hair, perfect teeth pontificators. Not that a perfect look had ever been an option. And I might occasionally wander too far in the other direction. My all-time favorite compliment — or criticism, or both — came from an attendee who told me, "I guess it's true that you can't judge a book by its cover, you were fantastic!"

Mr. Marvelous kept explaining me to me until I finally interrupted, "I'll be delivering THE WORD OF GOD the moment it's revealed to me. I'm hoping for stone tablets, but I'll accept neatly typed or scribbled on scrap paper or crocheted on decorative pillows. And by the damn way, the only person who can determine the appropriate level of my self-esteem is ... let me see ... oh, that would be me. I am, in fact, the world's foremost authority on me."

Upping the pontification, I added, "Like you, like everyone, I live somewhere on a good/bad continuum that stretches from the extraordinary — say people who give up their lives for others or donate kidneys to strangers — to the excremental, like Hitler, or Charles Manson or Shirley Temple. Not THAT Shirley Temple, a really evil one. Our place on that continuum is fluid. And no self-appointed expert like you or me has any business telling anyone else how good or how bad they should be feeling about themselves at any given time."

"Wow, maybe you should tone down the arrogance," Mr. Marvelous replied, helpfully.

I nodded. "Exactly!"

(Details have been changed to protect the annoying.)

Barry Maher's dark humor mystery/suspense/horror novel, "The Great Dick: And the Dysfunctional Demon," has just been released. Contact him and/or sign up for his newsletter at www.barrymaher.com.

To find out more about Barry Maher and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

Photo credit: Teemu Paananen at Unsplash