In keeping with the less-than-obvious educational mandate of the Slightly Off-Kilter column, I thought it might be helpful if I dedicated a column to explaining exactly how the universe works. If that doesn't take up the entire column, maybe I'll fill the rest with why the universe works as it does. Assuming I can figure that out before my 5 p.m. deadline.

The Universe's central organizing principle, I call the Law of Contrariality. We see it in its simplest and most easily understood form in The Rule of the Gloves. Imagine you have a pair of gloves. Or bright blue socks. Or anything you absolutely need a certain number of. You — being you — will of course lose one of them. Current science cannot yet explain how this happens, especially with socks, which you seldom remove in public. (One hopes.) Your blue socks are rendered useless, or 50% effective, or possibly just socially weird when you match the blue one up with your one remaining incandescent yellow sock.

Want to know an infallible method for recovering the missing sock? Sure-fire. Never fails. You simply grasp the remaining sock firmly in your dominant hand. March to the closest waste basket or trash bin and throw it away. Not the trash bin. Why would you throw away a trash bin? (Though you could actually clean it occasionally, you know.)

You throw away the remaining sock. Within seven days or less — depending upon when your trash is picked up — the missing sock will appear. The precise formula for The Principle of Contrariality is not E=MC2. It's 2S-S-S=S.

The beauty of Contrariality is the power it provides. Want to get the price slashed on that big screen TV you've had your eye on? No problem. Simply buy one at full price. Almost as quick as you can say "massive overpayment," a major sale will be announced. Often at the very store where you made the purchase. Clever you, you may try to return the TV before the sale ends, so you can repurchase it at the new price. Cleverer-them will only refund the sale price.

Two friends not speaking to each other? Reveal to one, in strictest confidence, exactly what you see as the other's most embarrassing flaws. Wonder of wonders, almost instantaneously, communication between them will be restored.

Let me be clear, Contrariality is NOT related to the common belief that washing your car makes it rain. Washing your car does not make it rain. Impending rain makes you want to wash your car. This is the Sailor's Dilemma, a problem not with the universe, but with your brain interpreting subliminal signals of an advancing storm as clear sailing. This is the same mental phenomenon which leads so many to pursue and marry a sunny someone who will ultimately prove to be the worst marital maelstrom imaginable.

But I digress. With this column nearing a conclusion, I've yet to figure out the metaphysics, the why of Contrariality. So, I'll fall back on the one verifiably true answer to all metaphysical questions. An answer implied, if not actually stated, in virtually all the greatest philosophical thinking from Plato to Marx (Harpo, not Karl). And yes, sophomore philosophy students, you may use this on the final. It's the one philosophical truth no honest philosophy professor of any persuasion can deny. And it's simply this:

"Your guess is as good as mine!"

By the way, though a lifetime of empirical evidence proves that Contrariality works — for me, I can't be 100% sure it works for everyone. Still, if any of this rings true, in all likelihood you and I are living in the same universe. Fortunately, it's easy enough to test.

Simply throw out that one remaining sock. And welcome to my world.

Check out Barry Maher's dark humor supernatural thriller, "The Great Dick: And the Dysfunctional Demon on Amazon. Sign up for his Substack at www.barrymaher.com.

To find out more about Barry Maher and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

Photo credit: Guillermo Ferla at Unsplash