Doctors are busy, important people. Patients, apparently, not so much. Patients are expected to be patient, meaning, according to my pal, Google, "able to accept or tolerate delays, problems, or suffering without becoming annoyed or anxious." So even the name says we're expected to tolerate our situation without becoming out of sorts — which, I suppose, could disturb the poor doctor. And of course we can't have that. No loud groaning, please. Would you like a bullet to bite on as your appendix ruptures? The doctor will be along in just a few minutes.

Whatever doctors are dealing with, they like to fly in and fly out. They can condescend to spend a few minutes with the likes of you, but other patients are waiting. Just like you waited — and waited — in the waiting room, before you waited some more in the exam room. So, it's clear who's the important party here. And it's not the one with the problem, the one who's paying the bill.

I once waited in a doctor's cold exam room with my pants off in one of those dumb gowns that tie — and gap open — in the back. They get you in one of those things and they think they've got you where they want you. Au contraire. At the hour and 10-minute mark, I dug my phone out of my pants and called the reception desk — 20 feet away. I asked if the doctor had gone missing, and I said I'd be happy to come out there with my butt hanging out to help look for him. Like magic, he materialized. My butt — or at least the threat of it — is a powerful force for good.

Though doctors never compensate you when they postpone your appointment, some will charge if you cancel without 24 or even 48 hours' notice. When my sister was billed for that, she paid, then sent the doctor an itemized bill for just some of the time she'd spent waiting for him during her last few visits. It was considerably higher than the bill he sent. The doctor, of course, ignored it.

I have a different strategy. Here's the script. Sorry, I know I should have cancelled 48 hours ago, but I didn't know then that I was going to wake up this morning with exploding diarrhea. If I'd have known that, I probably wouldn't have chosen Tio's Taco Heaven for dinner last night. Don't worry, though, I'll be right in. I'm just hoping you can dig up a sheet — better make it several sheets — of heavy-duty plastic. I know your waiting room furniture isn't all that new, but still ... "

Doctors are, of course, never on time. The excuse is invariably. "The doctor had an unexpected emergency." Unexpected emergencies that happen before every single doctor's appointment anyone's ever had are expected emergencies. Allow for them in your scheduling, doctor. You got through med school. You can figure this out.

The same, by the way, goes for all those companies that constantly have an "unexpectedly large volume of calls." They never made it through med school of course, but how much intelligence does it take to figure out that if you always have far more calls than people to answer then, you need more people. — not AI — People!

I particularly enjoyed the message one company used to run, "Because your business is important to us, please continue to hold." Which actually means, "Please keep holding while we increase our productivity by reducing yours." As a stockholder of that company, I appreciated that they were trying to look out for their bottom line. The idea that the best way to look out for their bottom line was by looking out for their customers was apparently quaint and obsolete.

Check out Barry Maher's dark humor supernatural thriller, "The Great Dick: And the Dysfunctional Demon on Amazon. Sign up for his Substack at www.barrymaher.com.

To find out more about Barry Maher and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

Photo credit: Andrik Langfield at Unsplash