No One's Going to Want Her If She Doesn't Want Herself

By Cheryl Lavin

April 30, 2017 4 min read

Samantha is the woman whose husband left her after 30 years of a disastrous marriage.

She asked, "Who's going to want me now?"

YOLANDA: Does a woman have to have a husband or a significant other to have worth? Samantha should take time to become a strong independent woman with healthy self-esteem and not worry about who will want her.

LANCE: My friends and I are older guys, and it might be easier for us to get a date than our female contemporaries. But Samantha should remember a few things.

First, older guys might like the look of a younger woman but not be able to stand being with her. Younger women are more likely to have debts, small children or a ticking biological clock. Older men would rather avoid these things. Mature women have established their careers, learned to live within their means and finished raising their wee ones.

Second, most older women who get dates stay engaged socially, intellectually and spiritually. They keep in close contact with friends and family, and keep up with books, newspapers and movies so they can have interesting conversations. They maintain their spiritual and physical balance.

Women who start with this solid base can move forward with charm, confidence and plenty of fun things to do besides go on a date.

Third, if you believe nobody wants you, you create a vibe that fulfills your prophecy. If you're looking forward to doing many things unrelated to dating, you're much more likely to find a date and see that person again.

Grown-up men like grown-up women.

ELISE: Three weeks before my 50th birthday, I moved from the West Coast to Tulsa, Oklahoma. I'd been a singular person for about 10 years, and I was comfortable in my own skin and with my own company. I had long before let go of the need for a partner to complete my life.

I bought my house from a good friend Tony and in the process made friends with Kyle, a longtime friend of his. For months, we were just good buddies — hanging out and going for coffee. Then, one day while giving him a hug good bye, something clicked.

We've been together for seven years now, and married for four. I'll be 58 this year.

The trick is realizing that you're a complete person unto yourself. You can do anything (or hire someone, if you can't) and go anywhere.

It potential partners sense neediness and desperation, they run for the hills. They respond to self-confident, complete people by wanting to get to know and be with that person.

For now, Samantha, focus on the positive: the chance to start fresh without an abusive, controlling, belittling spouse. You're free. It's an adventure. Embrace it. Do things that make you feel good about yourself. Get a massage or a makeover. Volunteer. Take a class at the local community college. Believe that you are worthy of goodness, and accept it into your life. Learn to love yourself.

It may take a few false starts and unsure baby steps, but that's OK. It's a learning curve. Act as if you're that self-confident, independent woman. Before long, you will not act it; you will be it.

Have you picked yourself up and made a new life for yourself? Send your tale, along with your questions and problems to [email protected] And check out my e-books, "Dear Cheryl: Advice from Tales from the Front and "I'll Call You. Not."

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