DEAR SUSAN: I disagree with your answer to the man who asked women for dates and was given vague replies in return. This has happened to me over the years, and I've felt much the same way. The vagueness of their answers does much more harm than good. It prompts a man to make assumptions, which may or may not lead to the right conclusion. If he makes the wrong one, the woman may feel bothered and perhaps even suffocated by his continued advances. Honesty is the best policy. — Casey C., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR CASEY: You mean she should tell him he's got bad breath and nothing interesting to say? Is that the kind of honesty you're in favor of — the brutal facts and nothing but? Well, you won't find agreement at this keyboard. I've seen too many instances when "truth" is nothing less than cover for nastiness. More hurt has been inflicted in the name of "honesty" than can be calibrated. Smart singles avoid that kind of disrespect like the plague. They know what goes around comes around, and they want no part of that dark karma. The dating world is all too aware of the scars that "honest" talks incur. It's drawn instead to the quiet sort of honesty that lights a room with its glow. It exists, you know. If you listen closely and don't muck up silence with a rehearsed retort, you'll hear nuances unique to the human voice (the reason e-mail can never communicate fully). And don't tell me that the man ringing up for a date can't discern interest or disinterest on the other end. C'mon now. That might be the kindest refusal of all, the unspoken NO that's sent through nonverbal tones. You want honesty, Casey? There it is, in the unspoken yet fully articulated vibrations sent through telephone cables. If you're listening.

DEAR SUSAN: This is in response to your column "A Burning Question" and the myth that all men are satyrs. I once lost a relationship with a woman I was crazy about because she couldn't bed me quickly enough. I just wanted to get to know her before risking my heart. I've had sex with women I didn't love, and it was hollow. Draw whatever conclusions you will. — Judd G., Santa Rosa, Calif.

DEAR JUDD: The man who drops his machismo to let the world see his heart laid out bare and vulnerable is a man for all seasons. Your words give all women faith and courage to look for the hunter with a heart, the man who is willing to risk his heart for the love of a woman. As for conclusions, well, the ones that are unmistakable reveal a gentle giant willing (and able) to risk his heart in the name of love. What a lovely image.

DEAR SUSAN: I lived in Florida for four years and became very good friends with a woman there. I moved to New Jersey a year ago, but we've kept in touch. I've come to realize my feelings for her are more than friendship, but she's taking longer to reply to my letters. Should I call her and tell her my feelings? I've led a lonely life and have trouble meeting people. (I'm 23.) — Kyle H., Cherry Hill, N.J.

DEAR KYLE: Of course you should call her! Not right away, though, because I want you to make the very best impression when you phone, and you can't do that in this frame of mind. The way you wrote to me makes you sound so very lonely, on the verge of desperation, as if any companion would do. And that doesn't do justice to this woman, your very special friend. So make me a promise: This week you'll consult with a therapist to talk things over and get your head on straight(er) for the conversation you're planning. This is kind of a rehearsal to get your attitudes clear. No one wants to be leaned on, the only friend/lover/whatever in the world. She doesn't want to be a savior, a lifesaver. It's tiring, and it's boring. Both partners must bring to their relationship their own interests and friends to refresh and strengthen their love. Think about that, phone for an appointment with a therapist recommended by the local mental health department, and write a friendly letter to the woman on your mind. Don't phone her just yet; let these new ideas percolate awhile. Then make the call, and remember to fill me in on developments. Fingers crossed.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at [email protected].