Opinion> Roger Simon> Simon Says 2010 01 29

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	3 Feb 2012 A Low Road Through a Weak Field The road is low, the field is weak, and the future is bleak. Just three things to consider after yet another primary. 1.… Read More.

SIMON SAYS

Note to readers: The following Roger Simon column was first published in May 1996.

Simon Says: Did you ever notice that Evian is naive spelled backward? I don't know what significance this has, but I'm sure it has some.

When's the last time you saw a wishing well that really worked?

If somebody could invent a way for left-handed people to use fountain pens and not drag their hands through the ink, they'd make a million bucks.

Any more than 12 gears on a bicycle is just showing off.

I swear that some hotels have lamps that nobody can figure out how to turn on.

More couples argue in airports than any other place.

Strange But Allegedly True No. 1: Police in Wichita, Kan., arrested a man at a hotel after he tried to pass two counterfeit $16 bills.

People who know how to hang wallpaper will never lack for friends.

Although it's a shame some independent book sellers are going out of business, the growth of giant bookstores like Borders, Barnes & Noble and Crown is a good sign. Who knew that many people could read?

Along with maps, rental car companies should distribute instructions on how to turn the lights on and windshield wipers off.

I came out of "The Fifth Element" saying, "I've got to see that movie again."

Why don't they make the last 3 feet of dental floss a different color? That way, you'd know when you were about to run out.

When traveling alone, always get a hotel room with two beds. The bed farthest away from the TV will always be in better shape.

Most doctors I know are very depressed about the future of their profession. Which means, I guess, more of them should become psychiatrists.

If you want to see what your wife will look like in 20 years, look at her father.

If you want to see what your husband will look like in 20 years, look at his mother.

You may disagree, but when it comes to new fads, body piercing is better than cigar smoking.

Strange But Allegedly True No. 2: When two service-station attendants in Ionia, Mich., refused to turn over the contents of the cash register to a drunk robber, he threatened to call the police. They still refused; he called the police and was arrested.

Fashion advice for women: You can never have too much black in your wardrobe.

Fashion advice for men: Your belt color must match your shoe color. But what if you are wearing brown shoes and don't own a brown belt? Easy: wear suspenders.

By the time you finish reading this sentence, your personal computer will be obsolete.

There is no snob like a wine snob.

Weddings should begin on the half-hour instead of the hour. That way, the big hand on the clock is moving up — the direction one hopes the bride and groom will be taking — rather than down.

For some reason, vegetarians rarely marry other vegetarians.

For my money, you can't buy a better note-taking pen than the Pilot V-ball Extrafine. (No, I don't own stock.)

The Rock 'N' Bowl in New Orleans combines two of the things that make this country great: bowling and live rock music.

The next step in automated cameras: You buy them and the pictures have already been taken.

Eating in a tapas restaurant is just about the most fun you can have sitting up.

Pocket hankies (the kind for show, not for blow) are making a big comeback.

Do you know the difference between outlaws and in-laws? Outlaws are wanted.

To find out more about Roger Simon, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate webpage at www.creators.com.