Simon Says

SIMON SAYS:

President Obama's political team is hoping Republicans fall for the bait and try to block Sonia Sotomayor from getting to the U.S. Supreme Court. The White House is already counting the votes it would pick up from angry Hispanics in Arizona and Texas in 2012.

And wasn't it interesting how Mike Huckabee immediately sent out a statement denouncing the appointment of "Maria" Sotomayor? What did Huckabee think, that he could just pick any name from "West Side Story" and have a good chance of getting it right?

Why don't we relocate the Guantanamo detainees to Alcatraz? The place is empty, it's in House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's district, and hardly anyone has ever escaped from it. She couldn't really complain, could she?

Dick Cheney and his wife Lynne pronounce the family name as "chee-nie." Their daughter Liz pronounces the family name as "chay-nie." Most Democrats pronounce it as "Vader."

I know you're from New York if you refer to blue jeans as dungarees.

The funniest comic you've probably never heard of: Anthony Jeselnik. I heard him do stand-up in Washington, D.C., recently, and he was hysterical. He writes for "Late Night With Jimmy Fallon," but there is no way his best stuff could ever get on network TV. It could barely get on stage in Washington.

Why do the instructions always tell us to store the thing in a "cool, dry place." Does anybody really have a cool, dry place at home? And if we did, wouldn't it be full by now?

In terms of automobile colors, dark gray is the new silver. (And never buy a red car. You will get too many tickets.)

Did people ever really wear nightcaps? Why? And how did they keep them on while they were sleeping? Thumbtacks?

Paperback Pick of the Month: "The Invention of Everything Else" by Samantha Hunt.

The desk chairs in Hilton Garden Inn rooms are fantastic.

But don't try to slip the chairs into your luggage along with the towels: The chairs cost more than the rooms.

I don't understand silent auctions. Why doesn't everybody just speak up?

Can we agree that "Ax Men" is the best show on television? It's on the History Channel — though, curiously, it has nothing whatsoever to do with history.

Does anyone still have a Magic 8-Ball? I have found them to be uncannily accurate. (Especially the answer: "Reply hazy, try again.")

I am trying to make sense of the new credit-card law: People who pay off their balances every month are going to have to pay more so that people who go into debt every month can pay less? This doesn't sound like change I can believe in.

Are there still notary publics? Why?

Department of You Couldn't Make This Stuff Up: Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele recently said on the radio: "The problem that we have with this president is we don't know him. He was not vetted, folks. ... He was not vetted because the press fell in love with the black man running for the office. 'Oh gee, wouldn't it be neat to do that? Gee, wouldn't it make all of our liberal guilt just go away? We can continue to ride around in our limousines and feel so lucky to be alive in an America with a black president.' OK, that's wonderful, great scenario, nice backdrop. But what does he stand for? What does he believe?"

Well, for starters, he believes he is glad to be in a party that doesn't have Michael Steele for a chairman.

If you turn off the car radio while one of your favorite oldies is playing, you will have bad luck forever.

To find out more about Roger Simon, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

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