Simon Says:

If you want a conversation to end badly, begin it by saying, "Do you know what your problem is?"

Admit it: No matter what your age, you panic when it comes to the eye test for your driver's license.

Anytime a person says, "How should I know?" — they know.

I just saw a commercial saying that Ritz is the official cracker of NASCAR. Don't they make crumbs all over the car?

People who sneak out of the theater before the curtain calls should be beaten with sticks.

Why do damsels always have to be in distress?

There is nothing scarier than a ventriloquist's dummy.

Anybody who tells you his salary is doubling it.

Does anybody still bronze baby shoes?

They look pretty, but nobody really likes to use spiral staircases.

According to Steven A. Schroeder, a professor at the University of California, San Francisco, "Almost half of all cigarettes sold in the United States (44 percent) are consumed by people with mental illness." I thought that was obvious.

Does anybody still play bridge?

The airlines got it exactly wrong: Instead of charging people to check their luggage — thereby encouraging them to take luggage on board, cram it in the overheads and slow down the boarding process — the airlines should charge people for carrying luggage on board, thereby encouraging people to check luggage.

When it comes to car colors, gray is the new silver.

A thing you didn't know about me: I actually believe in palm reading.

A thing I didn't know about you: You really don't like all your kids equally.

To find out more about Roger Simon, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

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