Note to Readers: The following Roger Simon column was first published in June 1997.

WASHINGTON — My friend Jack is a human encyclopedia, which is to say his friends call him up when they are too lazy to look something up for themselves.

If you want to know who was Miss America in 1986 (Susan Akin, Miss Mississippi) or how many rods in a furlong (40), you call up Jack.

Some of his friends think Jack is a genius, but I am not so sure. A true genius must not only have knowledge but also judgment.

As to whether Jack has judgment, well, you decide. I called him the other day because I needed some questions answered about Watergate.

Jack, I said, I have a question for you about ...

"Sean Connery, Ian Hunter and Anthony Quayle were all killed in Tarzan movies," Jack said.

I am not calling about movies, I said. I want to know if ...

"The names of the three British battle cruisers sunk at the Battle of Jutland in 1916 were Invincible, Indefatigable and the Queen Mary," Jack said.

They'll be very surprised to hear that in Long Beach, Calif., I said. They think the Queen Mary is sitting there as a tourist attraction.

"Different Queen Mary," Jack sniffed.

I finally got Jack's attention long enough to ask him about Watergate. I have decided to give my answers as well as his, so you can decide who has the better judgment:

Q: How will history remember Richard Nixon?

Jack: "As the president who opened the doors to China and the last moderate Republican president of the century. He was the most dominant political figure of our time."

Me: "He will be remembered as the guy we should have put in a cage and rolled through the streets so people could have thrown vegetables at him."

Q: Why didn't Nixon burn the tapes?

Jack: "Because he was warned that burning the tapes could very well be obstruction of justice and he never thought he would actually have to give them up."

Me: "Two reasons. First, his raging ego wouldn't allow him to because he wanted to use the tapes to write his autobiography, and second, he was so wacko by then, the White House would not let him near matches."

Q: If Nixon had not been brought down by Watergate, how would history be different?

Jack: "It would have been very difficult for Ronald Reagan to have been elected because Watergate destroyed the moderate wing of the Republican Party and allowed the conservatives to seize control and elect their own men. Nixon's fall also discredited detente, which started the arms races of the 1980s."

Me: "History would not have been materially different. Nixon would have served two full terms and then would have gone into the used car business, selling old Yugos to suckers."

Q: Did Nixon make a deal with Gerald Ford to get a pardon?

Jack: "No. All the available documentation shows that Ford was not going to make any deals and Nixon never asked for any. On his last night in the White House, Nixon told White House counsel Leonard Garment, 'There are worse things than jail ... the best political writing in this century has been done from jail.' He said he was speaking of Lenin and Gandhi."

Me: "Nixon promised Ford a lifetime subscription to 'Boy's Life' and an all-expenses paid vacation to a Six Flags amusement park in return for a pardon, and Ford jumped at it."

Q: What are the good things Nixon did?

Jack: "He created the Environmental Protection Agency, he negotiated the Anti-Ballistic Missile treaty with the Soviet Union, he created revenue sharing, and he was the only president ever to propose a guaranteed annual income for all Americans. He was actually far more progressive than Bill Clinton."

Me: "He never stole the White House silverware. He was going to, but they changed the locks before he got a chance."

Q: What is the worst lie Nixon told?

Jack: "When he flatly denied on April 30, 1973, any involvement in the Watergate cover-up."

Me: "When he said, 'I am not a crook.'"

Q: How old was Nixon when he died?

Jack: "He was 81."

Me: "It's a trick question. Nixon never died. He's living in Key West operating a bait-and-tackle shop with Elvis. They get along fine.

When I was done, I let Jack read over my answers, and I thanked him for his help.

"You are a severely weird and twisted individual," Jack said.

See what I mean? No judgment.

To find out more about Roger Simon, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate webpage at www.creators.com.

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