Leather Soles and the American Dream

Note to readers: The following Roger Simon column was first published in May 1997.

NEW YORK — The best way to explain Henry is to tell you about his shoes.

One day, he asked me to go to the shoe repair shop with him so he could get new heels on his shoes.

When we got there, he handed over his shoes and the shoe guy asked: "Rubber?"

"No," Henry said. "Leather."

Leather? I said to Henry. Who puts leather heels on their shoes?

"I do," said Henry. "Always."

That's crazy, I said. Shoes, at least good shoes, come with leather heels, but they wear down in about five minutes, which is when you replace them with rubber heels. Replacing them with leather heels makes no sense.

Henry shrugged. "It's not about making sense," he said.

Which tells you a lot about Henry.

Henry also gets his suits cleaned after every wearing.

Aside from being insanely expensive, I told Henry, that's not even good for the suits. I'll bet not even Donald Trump gets his suits cleaned after one wearing.

"I'll bet he does," Henry said.

But I could tell that I had him worried. Henry cares very much what Donald Trump does. Henry worships Donald Trump like some people worship Michael Jordan or Tiger Woods.

To Henry, Donald Trump represents everything that is good about America.

Would that be conspicuous consumption? I said. Or Ivana?

"You are just revealing your own jealousy," Henry said. "Donald Trump represents the American dream. He started out modestly in life and became a billionaire."

And let me guess, I said. He gets leather heels on his shoes?

"I wouldn't be at all surprised," Henry says. "Most respectable people do."

Henry is very concerned about being respectable, by which he means rich. Not that Henry is rich. He isn't. He just lives that way.

Henry is a management consultant. And that means people pay him money to tell them what to do.

It's like me buying you a watch so you can tell me what time it is, I once told Henry.

"That is a very crude way of putting it," Henry said.

But essentially correct, I said.

"Essentially," Henry said.

Henry's specialty is "executive compensation." That means big bosses hire him to tell them how much they should get paid.

Why do they hire you to tell them that? I asked him.

Why don't they just pay themselves whatever they want?

"They can't," Henry said. "They have boards of directors who have to approve their salaries. So, the boss hires me to professionally evaluate what salary he should get, and then he takes my evaluation to the board of directors, which approves it."

Let me get this straight, I said. The big boss hires you.

"Right," said Henry.

And you get to set his pay?

"Right," said Henry.

But if you set his pay too low, he probably won't hire you again, I said.

"That is always a possibility," admitted Henry.

And if you set his pay fantastically high, he probably would be very, very pleased and call upon you in the future, I said.

"That, too, is possible," said Henry. "But of course, I do not let that affect my judgment."

Of course not, I said. But could this be why the salaries of American executives are so much higher than their counterparts in other countries? Or why the presidents of companies that lose money and lay off workers still get fantastic bonuses and compensation packages?

"Not in the least," Henry said. "That's not how it works. Let's say you are the president of an auto company. You hire me to come in and set your salary. What I do is study the salaries of other presidents at the other auto companies, and I set a salary for you that is competitive. It's very fair."

But the other presidents of the other auto companies have hired guys just like you! I said. So, their salaries are already high! And you are just keeping the cycle going!

"Exactly," Henry said. "I'm glad you finally understand."

Henry would not tell me the dollar amounts of the salaries he sets.

But I have a sneaking suspicion that if you went into the companies that Henry has worked for and you found the presidents, they would all have leather heels on their shoes.

To find out more about Roger Simon, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate webpage at www.creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2010 CREATORS.COM

3