Come Visit Washington -- on a Calm Day

Note to readers: The following Roger Simon column was first published in April 1997.

WASHINGTON — There is nothing unusual about unusual things happening in our nation's capital, but something occurred this week that caused even the most hard-bitten and cynical of observers to sit up and take notice.

The government closed the Washington Monument due to high winds.

When I first heard the announcement on the radio, I did not think much of it. Washington looks upon the weather like people in medieval times looked upon the Black Death: It is always bad news, we can't explain it, and we can't survive it.

Even snowfalls as little as one inch can paralyze this city and cause the federal government to announce that only "essential" employees need show up for work. (If nobody shows up, nobody is surprised.)

A forecast of heavy rains is enough to cause people in Washington to rush to the grocery stores to buy all the bread, milk and toilet paper they can find just in case they are trapped in their homes for several days.

But I had never heard of a rather large and heavy monument being closed for high winds.

Nor were the winds monsoon- or hurricane-like in Washington. On Tuesday, the day the monument was closed, the winds were gusty. Some of the gusts got up to 30 mph or so. A roof blew off a shed in nearby Virginia. A tree fell over in nearby Maryland.

The Washington Monument, I am delighted to report, survived — as did all the people who live and work in Washington.

The Washington Monument was built to last. Dedicated in 1885, it has never tipped over in the wind, not even once. It is just over 555 feet high and, according to the guide books, "open daily except Dec. 25."

A lot of people depend on such information when they come to Washington. It being the season for cherry blossoms (which survived the winds quite nicely, by the way), Washington is packed with tourists, both foreign and domestic.

An awful lot of these tourists like to visit the Washington monument, go up inside it, peak out of the windows at the 500-foot level and so forth.

But they couldn't do that Tuesday. Because of high winds. Which makes no sense. So, I called around to find out why they closed the monument.

"Uh, the winds make it sway and so it would be dangerous," one person told me. "And that is why the Washington Monument is shut down in high winds."

The Washington Monument sways? How much? The Empire State Building sways a little bit, but it is more than twice as high as the Washington Monument. And the Empire State Building is built out of steel, not solid rock. So, how much could the Washington Monument really sway?

"Uh, I don't know how much," the person said. "But that must be the reason."

Do you know, or are you making this up? I asked.

"I'm making this up," he said.

I kept calling.

"No, of course it doesn't sway," the next person said.

"We close the monument in high winds because the lines outside grow long and the people would get cold and uncomfortable."

Which is the reason that the TV stations in Washington used Tuesday night to explain the closing.

But think about this: The government closes an entire monument because some people might get cold waiting to get inside.

Did anyone ever think of leaving the monument open and letting those people who got cold go someplace else while letting those people who thought standing in the cold was worth it line up? I asked. In other words, did anyone ever think for a moment that people could decide for themselves whether it was too cold or not?

"You better call my supervisor," the person said.

I called.

"It's not because they may get cold," the person said. "It's because the people lining up might get hit by flying objects during high winds."

Which is the reason a local radio station went with when announcing the closing. And it seems logical — until you think about it.

Wait a second, I said. What flying objects? As anyone who has been there can tell you, the Washington Monument is surrounded by grass, trees, flowers, and T-shirt and hot dog vendors. What are these dangerous objects hurtling through the air?

So, I went down and took a look. It was bright and sunny and about 60 degrees. People were walking around all over the place, sniffing the flowers, buying the T-shirts and hot dogs, laughing and singing.

OK, so they weren't singing. But they were definitely walking around without getting hit by any flying objects.

I would say the closing of the Washington Monument for no good reason is another sign of big government run amok, but the same day the monument was closed, the Baltimore Orioles canceled their opening-day game because of high winds.

In Baltimore, the winds were not even as high as they were in Washington. The winds were, as the weathermen in that town were forced to admit, a stiff breeze.

Many disgruntled fans, who had told their bosses they were sick so they could go to the game, were very angry.

"These players make millions of dollars!" one said. "They should play in hurricanes!"

But that is exactly the point. The owners pay so much for ballplayers that they don't want to risk any injury to them. What if a pop fly got caught by the stiff breeze and conked one of the players in the head? He might be out for the season, costing the owner $3 million or so.

And what if people who lined up to visit the Washington Monument caught cold in the wind? They might sue for millions.

Which is why we must shut down more and more of our society. We just can't take risks anymore.

But I do encourage you to vacation in Washington. It is a beautiful city, where the monuments stay open several days of the year, and I am sure you will have a good time.

Just watch out for flying cherry blossoms.

To find out more about Roger Simon, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate webpage at www.creators.com.

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