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A Nation of Wimps

Note to readers: The following Roger Simon column was first published in May 1996.

It is hard to believe that the "wimp factor" was once a major topic of discussion in American life.

George H.W. Bush was accused of being a wimp and had to prove his toughness in order to beat Michael "The Man Who Could Eat Just One Potato Chip" Dukakis. Bush did this by making Dukakis take a ride in a tank with a baby potty on his head.

Today, the word "wimp" is hardly heard anymore. And you know why?

Because the entire nation has turned into wimps!

Here is my proof: A study by Cornell University shows that people give just about the same tip to waiters whether the service is good or bad.

"If people get so-so service, they're likely to leave a standard tip and not reduce it," said Michael Lynn, an associate professor of consumer behavior and marketing at Cornell. "If they reduce it, it will be by very little."

Lynn found that those patrons who got good service in one restaurant he studied left an average tip of 12 percent. Those who did not get good service left an average tip of 10 percent.

Why would people leave just about the same amount whether the service was good or bad?

"I've heard of cases where servers have publicly embarrassed people who left small tips or no tips at all," Lynn said.

See what I mean? A nation of wimps! A nation so cowardly that we are afraid a server will insult us. What could they say to us? How bad could it be?

Could they say: "You rotten cheapskate, you!"

To which I would reply: "I may be a rotten cheapskate, but at least I'm not a rotten waiter."

And if I had any doubts about America's wimphood status, they were settled by Professor Lynn. Asked how much people should tip, he told the Associated Press "the etiquette manuals suggest 10 percent for bad service, 15 percent for reasonable service and up to 20 percent for good service."

Ten percent for bad service? Is he nuts? Why would you give anybody a 10 percent tip for bad service?

Who else gets treated this well? If you called a plumber to repair a leaky pipe that was dripping water on your head and he showed up and handed you an umbrella and a bill for $40, would you hand him a 10 percent tip?

If you went to the dentist and instead of filling your cavities, he drilled two new ones, what size tip should you give him? Ten percent or 15?

And why do people do this? Because they are afraid the waiter or waitress won't like them.

Who cares if they like us? It's not like we have to see them again.

If you get rotten service, you go somewhere else to eat next time. What do you think will happen, the waiter will follow you down the block?

But have you ever noticed how quickly some people exit a restaurant? They scribble on the credit card form, grab their coats and bolt for the door. I always figured people like that had left no tip at all.

Now I realize they have left only 10 percent and are so afraid of being humiliated that they are literally running for their lives.

The trouble with wimp-tipping is that it removes the incentive for waiters to do a good job. If they are going to get basically the same amount of money for bad service as good service, why should they provide good service?

Why should they bother to carry your soup to the table without putting their thumb in it if they are going to get same tip either way?

And since you are too much of a wimp to know how to act in a restaurant, let me provide you with some help. You may cut this out of this newspaper and leave it behind on the plate in lieu of a tip the next time you get bad service.

DEAR SERVER: The word "tips" comes from an English saying: To Insure Prompt Service. In other words, a tip is for doing a good job.

If I gave you a tip for this meal, you would believe you had done a good job and you would continue in your lackluster/slovenly/disgusting (circle one) ways.

This would serve only to punish your future customers.

Since I don't want to punish your future customers, I will reward you instead: I will reward you with the knowledge that you are a lousy waiter/waitress/serving person (circle one) and that you must improve your job skills in order to get a tip.

I am not leaving you 10 percent. I am not leaving you 5 percent. I am leaving you this advice: Clean up your act. Straighten out and fly right. Get with it if you expect to get ahead.

If you leave this note behind the next time you get lousy service, you will no longer be a wimp.

But if you do leave this note behind, be sure to do one other thing: Run like hell for the door.

To find out more about Roger Simon, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate webpage at www.creators.com.