The Californication of Midwest Values

Missouri's Little Big Man, Rep. Sam Graves, is rabble-rousing the Religious Right with a subtlety unseen since John Brown threw a fit across the state line in Kansas.

The Tarkio congressman will say and do anything to keep Democrat Kay Barnes, the former two-term Kansas City mayor, out of the U.S. House. Silly, boy! Everyone knows a woman's place is in the House. And the Senate. And so on.

Those Grand Old Party poops are famous for whisper campaigns. So Graves chose a tried-and-true one for his campaign that worked so well in Texas years ago.

Texas Republicans did and said anything to unseat then-Gov. Ann Richards, who was challenged then by some young upstart named George W. Bush. They pulled out of their sleaze bag a politically damaging lie about the late governor's sexuality. That and other dirty tricks got Dubya her seat.

Now Graves is doing something similar to keep his.

Graves' campaign ad warns Missourians that Kay Barnes will bring her "San Francisco values" to Washington. Wink wink!

Oh, those crazy little KC women! First, Democrat Claire McCaskill grabbed a Senate seat from Jim Talent. Now Barnes wants to give Graves a pink slip. The GOP, already losing ground in Congress, figures these women must be stopped. Sam's mission is to stop Kay with references to San Francisco.

Now how in the name of Harry Truman did a landlocked Midwestern widow become a Friscolicious fanny chaser? Graves made her up; that's how.

Clearly, Republicans are so threatened by the girl power that McCaskill and Barnes would represent that they have conjured wild-girl fantasies to scare the voters.

Incidentally, the only person in Graves' ad who accurately can be called a San Francisco liberal is Nancy Pelosi, the House speaker, whose California district includes that city. But face it: When the GOP brings up San Francisco, they mean the post-coital tower, not Coit Tower.

Graves' ad mentions same-sex marriage ominously.

It features a staged disco scene straight out of the '70s. No wonder it was popular on YouTube. It looks like a "Saturday Night Live" skit, only cheesier and sleazier.

So instead of two wild and crazy "SNL" guys, Graves shows what could be taken as two wild and crazy lesbians making a B-boy sandwich on the dance floor. Republicans ought to be embarrassed by this ad, except nothing much embarrasses Missouri Republicans anymore. If Hillary's their nag, then Kay's their hag.

Must I spell it out for you, people? Sam Graves wants you to lock up the women, children and the livestock or else Kay and the queers will circulate their "gay rights agenda" nationwide.

And of course, we wouldn't want that.

The L-word seldom comes up in polite Republican circles. Don't even think of mentioning it to Vice President Dick Cheney. The grandchild of our co-president's lesbian daughter either was delivered by stork or immaculately conceived. Everyone knows the gal Mary Cheney has been living with — as the Bush-Cheney administration denounces same-sex unions — is the nanny.

It is the love that dares not speak its name, not even in innuendo-laced ads such as that one Graves has in Missouri. By the way, Dick Cheney stumped in '07 for Graves, who in '08 is gay-baiting Missouri voters.

It is also the love that some states won't legitimize. Even in Virginia, where Mary Cheney cohabitates with the nanny, gay couples are denied equal treatment under the law. Bliss they can have, just not matrimonial bliss.

The California Supreme Court, not surprisingly, just OK'd gay marriage. Expect a new ad by Graves showing Kay Barnes packing her bags and/or ironing a bridal gown as she heads to Ellen and Portia's wedding.

It's said that people obsessed with other people's sex lives probably aren't getting lucky. Maybe. But I do know that some of the meanest gay bashers have been men with some of the best beaded-gown collections this side of Vegas. You'll know them by their wide stances, awkward glances and party affiliation.

Rhonda Chriss Lokeman (rlokeman@creators.com) is a contributing editor to The Kansas City Star. To find out more about Rhonda Chriss Lokeman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

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