Making a List and Checking It Twice

A peek under the Christmas tree, 2007:

For GOP presidential candidate Mike Huckabee: a Christmas CD featuring the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

Ten million lumps of coal to the Miami husband who skipped out on his wife after he and his buddies hit the lottery for $10.2 million.

To polygamist prophet Warren Jeffs of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints: five golden rings around the collar. (He was imprisoned for his role in coercing a 14-year-old girl to marry her 19-year-old cousin.)

For Fortune 500 companies, 12 percent of which still lack women directors: references.

To newspaper mogul Conrad Black of Hollinger International, who recently was sentenced to 6 1/2 years in prison for swindling shareholders out of $6 million: the lining from a bird cage housing 6 million pear-fed partridges.

For former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales: eight U.S. attorneys a-leaping over the Constitution and Geneva Conventions.

For the Bush administration: a buyout for early retirement.

For former White House press secretary Scott McClellan, whose book mentioned media manipulation during the Bush II years: galley proofs of Valerie Plame's "Fair Game."

For Frances Townsend, former homeland security adviser to The Decider: Lashes with a wet noodle over 1,001 Arabian nights. (When asked by reporters to respond to the Saudi government's decision to flog a woman gang-raped as punishment for alleged impropriety, Townsend instead praised the House of Saud for helping with counterintelligence in Bush's war.)

Time off for good behavior for Jim Webb and other Democratic senators for staying in session, technically speaking, which kept the White House from slipping in more recess appointments during the Thanksgiving recess.

For Santa's elves: a trade union, safe working conditions, an eight-hour workday, comprehensive health benefits, parental leave and at least two weeks paid vacation.

For Cigna insurance, which failed to approve a liver transplant for a teenage leukemia patient who died hours after the company bowed to pressure and approved the procedure: a heart.

For Harriet Miers and Josh Bolten, who resisted congressional demands to hand over documents about firings of U.S.

attorneys who weren't "loyal Bushies": an audiobook of Clarence Thomas' memoir, as narrated by Ben Stein.

To CNN's Rick Sanchez for holding Sen. John McCain accountable for laughing when a supporter at a campaign stop referred to rival candidate Hillary Clinton as a "bitch": immunity from jock itch. Rhymes with witch.

For presidential candidate Hillary Clinton, who wants voters to see her softer side: a case of Lubriderm.

For dropout Republican presidential candidate Tom Tancredo, who was dubbed "Mr. Bigotry" in 2006 by Rolling Stone magazine and ranked sixth in their "10 Worst Congressmen": a milagro beanfield protected by a 2,000-mile chain-link fence.

For Jamie Lynn Spears, the 16-year-old pregnant star of Nickelodeon's "Zoey 101": a lesson in Sex Ed 101.

For the family of sisters Britney and Jamie Spears: an intervention. (See Lindsay Lohan, et al.)

For Ann Coulter, who would gladly convert all Jews to Christianity: a Yiddish insult and Bronx salute.

For Atlanta's Andrew Young, who endorsed Hillary Clinton while questioning Barack Obama's identity (Young also claimed that Bill Clinton is "just as black as Barack and probably had more black women, too": a shout-out from Sister Souljah and Lani Guinier plus a scold from women at Spellman (see Don Imus).

For Bill Clinton: a copy of John Howard Griffin's "Black Like Me," on loan from Andy Young.

For our troops abroad in Bush's war: silent nights, holy nights.

Rhonda Chriss Lokeman (lokeman@kcstar.com) is a columnist for The Kansas City Star. To find out more about Rhonda Chriss Lokeman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

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