Lindsay Lohan Turns 21

LAS VEGAS — Regrettably, I won't be here when Little Lindsay throws up. I mean grows up.

I'll be long gone and out of money when the barely legal starlet comes to Vegas next month for her 21st birthday.

You may ask how I know Lindsay Lohan's birth date. The answer is simple. The reason I know this is because I cannot escape knowing.

Pure, the hot nightclub here, is hosting her birthday bash. There's a huge poster of her inside Caesar's Palace promoting the big day.

Lindsay is in drug rehab at this writing, but the Pure poster shows her ready to get her groove on. Legally, this time.

Not far away on the strip, you'll find Big Elvis. At Caesar's you will find Big Lindsay, a larger-than-life picture of the underage undergarment queen.

The billboard inside the casino shows her raven-haired and looking sultry, accompanied by these words: "Monday, July 2, 2007 LINDSAY LOHAN … turns 21 years old."

Mark the date, fellow Americans.

On that day, trumpets will blare, swans will leap and a thousand chisel-muscled Chippendales will escort her royal high-ness into the club atop a gilded chair while small children throw poker chips to the fawning crowd.

OK, I made that up. But this is Vegas, so anything is possible.

Pure is a regular hangout for barely legal celebs like Lohan who have money to throw around. There would be no velvet-rope clubs were it not for those who like to see and be seen.

Which is why I cannot understand how I got some VIP passes to the club Tangerine. I was leaving a Cirque performance when a guy handed them to me.

Maybe it was the little black dress I wore and the push-up bra underneath. It was the first time I buffed my bust before going out in public.

Maybe it was the red bobbed wig I wore, or that I kept my mouth in permanent pout, silently making the "O" sound while traveling under the name Nikita.

Perhaps I've said too much.

Word is Lohan is contractually obligated to attend her birthday party, despite being in rehab in Malibu.

Pure is known as a "celebrity playground" for all the Hollywood types it draws.

The "No. 1 hippest nightspot in the country" is what E! Network calls it. E! will be here when the clock strikes Lindsay, of course.

The question is, will Lindsay be here?

So far, Lindsay has reneged on appearances and other commitments while ridding her body of pure but toxic substances. And given that Pure is probably making a killing off the mere expectation of the bad girl's arrival, she probably most certainly will show up.

Who wouldn't want to tell their friends they were here when Lindsay Lohan ditched rehab to dance on a table and shoot mescal?

She is, after all, Maxim magazine's No. 1 celebrity hottie for 2007. Little Lindsay outranked elders Beyonce, Fergie, Carmen Electra and the two Evas: Mendes and Longoria. Angelina Jolie was ranked No. 12!

The girl couldn't get any hotter unless they shot her out of a cannon, which very well could happen here in July. It's Vegas, baby!

Little Lindsay topped Maxim's Hot 100 because "this unbelievably beautiful, untamed Golden Age throwback with a nonstop social calendar and acclaimed acting chops is Ann-Margaret, Meryl Streep and Sophia Loren rolled into one."

I could no more imagine Lohan as Karen Blixen than I could Streep on a GQ cover baring tattoos in leather chaps. Loren is a classic beauty and great actress. Little Lindsay has many more birthdays to go before measuring up.

If heiress Paris could shorten her jail time for intoxicated driving, what's to stop her playdate from shortening her detox to celebrate her big Two-One?

For some folks, age brings wisdom. For others, age brings more whiskey.

Viva, Las Lindsay!

Rhonda Chriss Lokeman (lokeman@kcstar.com) is a columnist for the Kansas City Star. To find out more about Rhonda Chriss Lokeman, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

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