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Knocked Up

(Ex-President Bill Clinton announced he will campaign door to door in South Carolina on behalf of Sen. Hillary Clinton's candidacy in that state's presidential primary.)

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Yo, it's Bill.

Bill who?

Bill Clinton, the first black president and soon-to-be first gentleman. Let me in, bro.

Sorry, but I need to see some ID.

You're kidding, right? OK, OK, I know what you want. I get this all the time. How's this? (Clinton bites his lower lip.) Look familiar?

Nope, sorry. Can't be too careful these days. Some angry white guy's been impersonating Bill Clinton and trying to separate white voters from Barack Obama by marginalizing him as an affirmative action hire for the Oval Office. Bill Clinton would never do that, so I want to make sure you're for real.

Hmm. I see your point. How's this for identification?

(A shuffling noise is heard outside the house.)

What are you doing?

I'm starting a "Soul Train" line.

What for?

Andy Young told y'all he knew I was blacker than Barack because I know how to form a "Soul Train" line. If that's not proof of my negritude, what is?

Please tell me you didn't just say that.

Just talking black, bro, like Jesse and Al.

You mean like Bob Johnson talked black when he made it seem like Barack was a drug dealer, and Hillary just sat there?

Hey, don't dis my man B.J. It isn't every day a black billionaire stumps for a white woman senator against a Harvard-educated black senator with no criminal record but lofty goals. President Lyndon Johnson said we shall overcome, remember? B.J.'s wealth and politics are proof that we did.

(Heavy sigh) Ambassador Andy Young also said you were blacker than Barack because you probably had slept with more black women. He must have forgotten he was an apostle of Dr. King and thought he was Chris Rock instead. Besides, it was Dr. King, not LBJ, with whom civil rights activists sang "We Shall Overcome."

Whatever. Why do you keep bringing up race? Barack made you do it to make me look bad, admit it.

No, sir. I actually can think on my own. Anyway, you brought up race first, not me.

Did not! Take that back! It's the news media stirring up trouble.

Did you see how I wagged my finger at reporters when I told them, "I did not have racial relations with that man, Mr. Hussein Osama?"

Yeah, I saw it. I had a déjà vu, actually. And it's Obama, not Osama.

You know the media is always biased against us black men, right?

Sir, I think you're confused. The media has mostly defended you as playing hardball politics, while making Barack look like a whiner just 'cause he's not afraid to confront your lies and set the record straight. By the way, I think that's the Truth Squad coming up behind you on the sidewalk.

Truth? Barack can't handle the truth. What does that kid from Chicago know about truth?

Apparently, more than you, sir. Lying got you impeached, remember? Doesn't that make you partly responsible for the Bush II reign?

Nope. That was Ronald Reagan. Say, you wouldn't really vote for a black Muslim who was educated at one of those madrassa terror camps, would you?

Sir, Barack Obama is Christian, not Muslim. And that school in Indonesia was not a madrassa. Yet your pals, most recently former Sen. Bob Kerrey, keep beating that dead horse. Isn't that using post-9/11 fears the way Bush II has done?

After all I've done for you, we feminists have to stick together. Speaking of sticking, I should get some street cred for sticking it to the press, right?

Not exactly. Demagogues are notorious for blaming the press. Bushies do it all the time and have been masters at media manipulation. Sir, I'm afraid you're wrecking your legacy of elder statesman by coming off as an egomaniac having a meltdown.

Not true! I'm at your front door because I need your vote to help make Hillary the first woman in the Oval Office.

Sir, under your administration, there were many women in the Oval Office, as I understand.

Stop twisting my words! I'm a lover, not a fighter. Besides, this campaign is about Hillary and one giant leap for womankind. It's not about me. By the way, what do you think about me? Does this orange tie make me look fat?

Sir, if you aren't careful, you'll gain a reputation as Machiavellian and the new Karl Rove.

I can't be Karl Rove. Rove's not a brother.

Neither are you, sir.

There you go again, bringing up race.

Rhonda Chriss Lokeman (lokeman@kcstar.com) is a columnist for The Kansas City Star. To find out more about Rhonda Chriss Lokeman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.