Opinion> Rhonda Lokeman> Final Days In The Maverick War Room

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Final Days in the Maverick War Room

John McCain: The Joe-the-Plumber strategy is working, my friends. We're headed to victory. Our rally crowds are getting bigger.

Sarah Palin: Actually, John, my crowds are way bigger than yours. People show up for you mostly to see me. We even quit callin' them McCain rallies. They're Joe-the-Plumber events now.

McCain: What matters is we're playing to our base. I showed great judgment when I listened to whoever said I should pick you over Mitt or Joe. You're political Viagra to our party.

Palin: You betcha!

McCain: OK, where was I?

Palin: You were talking about expanding the powers of the vice presidency when I'm elected, John.

McCain: Yes, of course. The fundamentals of our economy are strong, but the fundamentals of our Constitution are not. After our victory, Sarah will head up a presidential commission on the Constitution. She'll revise and strengthen it, starting with a shake-up in the Congress.

Staffer 1: Sir, I don't think the Constitution allows for that.

Palin: Exactly his point. Change is coming.

Staffer 1: Sir, if we're not careful, people will say you're actually worse than Bush.

Palin: Which means you're not Bush, so that's a good thing, John.

Staffer 2: She's right, senator. You pitched Bush's red-states/blue-states rhetoric for your real-America straight talk. You conjured the image of the scary black man from Africa. You've reclaimed Pat Buchanan's "America First" as your "Country First" slogan. Well done.

McCain: And I've got the scars to prove it.

Palin: John, get back to what you were saying about making Joe the Plumber ambassador to Israel in a Palin-McCain White House.

McCain: I did?

Palin: Remember you said you were impressed with how Joe the Plumber was talkin' about Barack as an enemy of Israel?

Staffer 2: That got us real traction in Florida.

McCain: Joe's doing more for us in Florida than even Rudy Giuliani, who said it first at the convention.

Palin: Except Joe's from the real America, and Rudy's from New York.

Staffer 1: Senator, New York was real enough for the terrorists on Sept. 11.

Palin: The terrorists wouldn't dare strike our small towns, where our colors don't run.

McCain: No, you're wrong.

Rudy's not an Arab. He's a decent guy.

Palin: You're right, so we'll keep using him.

McCain: Quick thought: Since Joe's become such a household name, we ought to recruit others like him to work for us. Somebody get me Floyd the Barber on the phone. He's in Arkansas — Clinton country.

Staffer 1: Senator, Floyd the Barber was a character played by an actor on TV's "The Andy Griffith Show."

Palin: John, let's send Floyd to Pennsylvania, Joe to Florida, and the two of us can split Missouri and Ohio.

Staffer 1: He's dead.

McCain: Joe the Plumber's dead?

Staffer 1: The guy who played Floyd. The actor is dead.

Palin: John wasn't asking for Floyd the Actor. He said "Floyd the Barber." Ever heard of Mayberry, USA?

Staffer 1: (sighs and murmurs) Whack job!

Palin: I heard that!

McCain: OK, so Floyd's out. I say we forget the polls and head back to Michigan. Battle Creek is a small town, so get me that cereal pitchman, the guy with the deep voice.

Palin: Yeah, that Tony the Tiger is a real maverick. And real Americans love cornflakes.

Staffer 1: He'd be gr-r-r-r-reat on the trail, except he's not real.

Palin: Party poop!

McCain: Hazel the Maid! She's a straight talker. She'd bring us seniors.

Staffer 1: Not real.

Staffer 2: Senator, Bill Ayers is real. Jeremiah Wright is real. Rashid Khalidi is real. We need to remind the voters who Obama pals around with.

Palin: Yeah, John, Katydid was a PLO spokesman, and Barack had dinner with him.

Staffer 1: Senator, if the governor means Columbia University professor Rashid Khalidi, I'd suggest you not go there. The International Republican Institute, which you chaired, gave Khalidi's Center for Palestine Research and Studies $448,873, according to a 1998 tax filing by your group.

McCain: Never mind.

Palin: John, I totally share your vision, just like I told delegates at the Alaskan Independence Party convention this year.

McCain: Thanks, Sarah. Polls show independents are coming over to our side.

Staffer 1: Actually, senator, the Alaskan Independence Party, of which Todd Palin was a member, is a secessionist party, and the late founder, Westbrook Pegler, was an anti-Semite who hated the United States.

Palin: We see Russia from Alaska, y'know.

Rhonda Chriss Lokeman (RCLCreators@kc.rr.com) is a contributing editor to The Kansas City Star. To find out more about Rhonda Chriss Lokeman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

Comments

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Ma'am; ... If I thought it were possible that this country would give a serious look at the constitution I would give my right arm, perhaps even my life for it... Not that I have so much of life left; but I cannot imagine the pain endured collectively in this country because we get no consent, and seek no consensus... The pain and abuse children must endure over hearing the political process at work, suffering the failure of government, suffering the blame we cast upon each other because this old wreck does not run- hurts me to think about... I grew up hearing the debate between Nixon and kennedy, over hearing Mccarthy's un-American hearings, learning how to duck and cover and still there was nothing then like our children must endure as far as non stop political lies and hate... Do you think it was right for the Supreme Court to make a president??? Do you think it is right that the court and the president decide all between them because the congress fails??? Do you think that the long dead and frozen hands of our forefathers should still hold the wheel, so The Supreme Court does not have to think, or relate in a modern world, but only speak as the oracle of the dead??? I don't think a lot of people understand the meaning of common words like justice, liberty, equality, society, and nation; -and I will be happy to explain what they mean to any who will listen.... Yet; we cannot continue as we are... We began as a country of gross equality, among us white folks at least, but now we are a nation of gross inequalities... No political equality is possible with such wide economic inequality... No democracy is possible without equality... It is one thing to give religion freedom... It is another thing completely to suffer the religious using our own rights against all our rights... It would not be possible if religions were not a bank of wealth like property itself.... If the press and media were not able to hide behind our rights to attack our rights, we would be free, and they would be our slaves... How many millions of campaign money go to buy mis information, and worse, to buy information time at great cost on our airwaves, that are as much our common property as the roads and rivers.... How dare they use our property to lie to us, and misinform us, to scare us, or to deny the need for legitimate fear... How dare any use our rights to enrich themselves and take the public property??? If a society is going to work it needs to give justice to all... To make a commodity of justice means those without money will be without liberty...No; it would be a small sacrifice to devote my life to the changing of or constitution, and to reforming this nation around principals acceptible to all, with rights delivered and protected for all, with liberty and justice for all... The constitution has a preamble that cannot be improved upon... All else should be trashed and burned... There is nothing wrong with the people of this land... Our constitution has failed us and it divides us... Kill the constitution so this people can live.... Thanks....Sweeney

Comment: #1
Posted by: James A, Sweeney
Mon Nov 3, 2008 2:59 PM