Rhonda Chriss Lokeman from Creators Syndicate

Once Upon a Time in Islamabad for 12/30/2007

Sun, 30 Dec 2007 00:00:00 -0800

By the time the Pakistani government is done revising history, Benazir Bhutto will have died from carpal tunnel syndrome from waving too hard at well-wishers after a campaign rally — her last.

Maybe by the time you finish this column, the military will have narrowed the cause of her death to a paper cut.

Not only does Pakistan's emperor have no clothes but the handling of Bh ...

Updated: Sun Dec 30, 2007

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Enough With the Clintons Already for 01/06/2008

Sun, 06 Jan 2008 00:00:00 -0800

I'm tired of the Clintons, the whole calculating clan. Tired of their dirty tricks, smirks, trickery, scandals and apologies. I want them to go away. Truly, I do.

The Clintons like to have it both ways. They want credit for being for and against the same issue, for example, Bush's war in Iraq. They tout universal health care, hoping voters won't notice Hillary's duplicity and coziness wi ...

Updated: Sun Jan 06, 2008

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Good Karl, Bad Karl for 01/13/2008

Sun, 13 Jan 2008 00:00:00 -0800

When Bush's Brain speaks, people listen. So naturally, they listened when kingmaker Karl Rove criticized Barack Obama after New Hampshire voters made Hillary Clinton prom queen.

Oddly, Rove's recent comments in The Wall Street Journal echoed some Bill Clinton made the day before the primary. Bill defended Hillary's record against Obama's style over substance.

Bill Clinton likened ...

Updated: Sun Jan 13, 2008

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'Southern-Fried Huck-bee' (sung to the tune of 'Dixie') for 01/20/2008

Sun, 20 Jan 2008 00:00:00 -0800

Oh, I wish I was in the land of cotton

Where Huck-A-bee's playing dirty rotten.

Look away, look away,

Look away, Caroline-A.

Fred Thompson took it all in stride

When Huck's loony fringe push-polled his hide.

Look away, look away,

Look away, Caroline-A.

Refrain:

We saw the real Mike Huck-bee.

Hooray ...

Updated: Sun Jan 20, 2008

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Knocked Up for 01/27/2008

Sun, 27 Jan 2008 00:00:00 -0800

(Ex-President Bill Clinton announced he will campaign door to door in South Carolina on behalf of Sen. Hillary Clinton's candidacy in that state's presidential primary.)

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Yo, it's Bill.

Bill who?

Bill Clinton, the first black president and soon-to-be first gentleman. Let me in, bro.

Sorry, but I need to see some ID.

You' ...

Updated: Sun Jan 27, 2008

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Feminists vs. Feminuts for 02/03/2008

Sun, 03 Feb 2008 00:00:00 -0800

The National Organization for Women's Marcia Pappas just shoved a shiv into Ted Kennedy's gut. Pappas felt the Massachusetts senator had it coming for endorsing Barack Obama for president over Hillary Clinton.

Kennedy has a lengthy legislative record supportive of issues important to women. He is a pro-choice Democrat. Yet Pappas went ballistic, which happens a lot.

In her toxic s ...

Updated: Sun Feb 03, 2008

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Little Miss Sunshine for 02/10/2008

Sun, 10 Feb 2008 00:00:00 -0800

SAN DIEGO — Greetings from the state that gave Camelot a Bronx salute and the Clintons enough chutzpah to claim Hillary the presumptive nominee.

Notice her gold power suits. The wide stance. Notice how Hillary's voice has gone up several irritating decibels as she shrieks, "I hear you," to supporters.

Sen. Clinton strategically projects the image of front-runner, d ...

Updated: Sun Feb 10, 2008

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Secrets of the Blah-Blah Sisterhood for 02/17/2008

Sun, 17 Feb 2008 00:00:00 -0800

It is never a good sign in a democracy when people vote out of fear or coercion. That's the irony of the Hillary Clinton candidacy.

Some female supporters strongly believe that as a woman, you have to vote for THIS WOMAN. Behind all the testosterone-charged chatter on cable news is the murmur of our own "Va-Jay-Jay Monologue." If you've got one, you must vote for Hillary or els ...

Updated: Sun Feb 17, 2008

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Fidel Castro, Exit Stage Left for 02/24/2008

Sun, 24 Feb 2008 00:00:00 -0800

Those of us who have covered Cuba for some time knew this day would come. We just thought it would be different. We thought the dictatorship would end with a bang, not a whimper.

After taking note of numerous efforts to bring down Fidel Castro through violent means, we expected that he would get his head blown off from another exploding cigar.

Word is that the CIA tried that tacti ...

Updated: Sun Feb 24, 2008

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Mail Fraud for 03/02/2008

Sun, 02 Mar 2008 00:00:00 -0800

The day before Missouri's Democratic primary, a mailer zipped across the state from "Paid for by Hillary Clinton for President" in Arlington, Va.

It came with this charge against Sen. Barack Obama: "He wants to raise Social Security taxes by a trillion dollars."

Now if that didn't set older tongues wagging, nothing will. Few had time to check this out before th ...

Updated: Sun Mar 02, 2008

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Spies Like Us for 03/09/2008

Sun, 09 Mar 2008 00:00:00 -0800

Maybe the question voters should be asking is, "Who would allow the government to continue to spy on private citizens?" Not, "Whom do we want to answer the presidential hot line at 3 a.m. in times of national emergency?"

Forget the campaign fiction, fellow Americans. We have a real democratic crisis on our hands, and worse, the lame duck who currently picks up the red ...

Updated: Sun Mar 09, 2008

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Grand Old Party Dream Tickets for 03/16/2008

Sun, 16 Mar 2008 00:00:00 -0700

JOHN MCCAIN-SAM BROWNBACK: A darling of the Religious Right, the Republican senator from Kansas bowed out before the presidential race got interesting. He has since endorsed McCain and defended him against other Double Rs as being authentic.

With Brownback, author of "From Power to Purpose: A Remarkable Journey of Faith and Compassion," McCain could energize conservatives. Even ...

Updated: Sun Mar 16, 2008

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Democratic Dream Tickets (Part 1) for 03/23/2008

Sun, 23 Mar 2008 00:00:00 -0700

HILLARY CLINTON-GLORIA STEINEM: Just to make the old boy network short-circuit. That plus Geraldine Ferraro as chief of staff.

CLINTON-MARTHA STEWART: Stewart built an empire — something handy as Clinton continues the Bush doctrine in Iraq on Day One. Hillary sees cookie baking as a housefrau chore; Martha sees it as a way to boost stock options. Never mind Martha's criminal past. ...

Updated: Sun Mar 23, 2008

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Democratic Dream Tickets (Part 2) for 03/30/2008

Sun, 30 Mar 2008 00:00:00 -0700

BARACK OBAMA-JESSE JACKSON: "Our time has come!" His time has gone.

OBAMA-JESSE VENTURA: Former presidential hopeful Mike Huckabee had Chuck Norris watching his back. Why shouldn't Obama have a former pro wrestler with demonstrated electability watching his? Both men champion change. Ventura proved that sometimes voters care more about one's message than one's experience.

< ...

Updated: Sun Mar 30, 2008

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A Memorandum of Misinformation for 04/06/2008

Sun, 06 Apr 2008 00:00:00 -0700

In case you doubt that we are subjects of an imperial presidency, a recently released Justice Department memo has confirmed it.

The Washington Post recently reported on the contents of a 2003 memo sent from a deputy in the Office of Legal Counsel to the Pentagon's general counsel. The 81-page memo, written by John Yoo, recited explicit executive powers that deemed the president unaccount ...

Updated: Sun Apr 06, 2008

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All Too Quiet on the Western Front for 04/13/2008

Sun, 13 Apr 2008 00:00:00 -0700

There is something sinister in the way Dick Cheney had us believe George W. Bush was still president of the United States, assuming he ever was.

Bush's position and titles were manufactured in the White House Situation Room. This becomes painfully apparent as his term winds down.

According to The Associated Press, Cheney and others met in the Situation Room after the Sept. 11 atta ...

Updated: Sun Apr 13, 2008

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Death Took a Holiday for 04/20/2008

Sun, 20 Apr 2008 00:00:00 -0700

Does anyone else find it fascinating that during Pope Benedict XVI's historic visit to America, the Supreme Court had states revisit death by lethal injection? A pro-life prelate touring our country as she clutches the culture of death firmly to her ample bosom shows impeccable timing on our part.

And who met the Roman Catholic leader upon arrival at the airport? Our Torture President, a Prote ...

Updated: Sun Apr 20, 2008

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How Green Is Your Valley? for 04/27/2008

Sun, 27 Apr 2008 00:00:00 -0700

Greetings from the planet Earth, where if you can't reduce your shoe size, you can reduce the size of your carbon footprint.

It is easier being green than you may think. Baby steps, my friends, baby steps.

In our household, I reduced our garbage to one bag weekly. We've increased the number of recycle bins that hold newspapers, towel rolls, pizza-box cardboard, ice-cream buckets a ...

Updated: Sun Apr 27, 2008

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I'm With Stupid for 05/04/2008

Sun, 04 May 2008 00:00:00 -0700

Ever seen those T-shirts that read, "I'm With Stupid"? These also depict a drawn arrow that points to the person beside you.

Well, it's like that.

Sen. Barack Obama and the Rev. Jeremiah Wright own stupid shirts. At various times, their arrows have pointed at each other.

Obama hid his T-shirt beneath a suit when he spoke in Pennsylvania about race while also expla ...

Updated: Sun May 04, 2008

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Carpe Diem , Madonnas! for 05/11/2008

Sun, 11 May 2008 00:00:00 -0700

I hurt my family's feelings. That's what happens when you mix brutal honesty with fatigue. Or as we say in my house, "Stand back; she's gonna blow!"

They were planning my Mother's Day. Sweet thought. However, I exercised my veto power.

Should they give me breakfast in bed? I nixed that idea pronto.

I'm usually the first one up in our dark house. When dawn is crack ...

Updated: Sun May 11, 2008

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