It is known outside of Northwest Florida that residents of this coast are a rabble of rubes.

These beaches, bays and bayous to which the country flocks go to waste on the natives.

It is true we take baths every Saturday night whether we need them or not.

We also drink our coffee out of saucers, swat wasps in two-hole outhouses and beat our women — when the women are not beating us.

At night, we stand our underwear in the corner so it's handy the next morning.

We are racists, too.

The progressive sophisticates of the larger cities take pity on us. They want to help, preferably through some sort of punishment.

Take Miami, populated by refugees from New Jersey and Brooklyn, who fled those burgs to inflict their enlightenment upon Florida. They brought their high taxes, love of government and whining with them.

Sometimes, they can pull off an election without bickering and jeopardizing the republic.

As an exercise in futility, I occasionally object to stories from The Associated Press in Miami.

Last week I wrote the AP bureau thus:

"Please reconsider the cliche 'all-white Bay County jury' in the Martin Lee Anderson stories. Standing alone, with no further explanation, the insinuation is clear: they must be racists.

"Evidently, racism is the stereotype in other parts of the state of the people in Northwest Florida. Shelby Steele has argued that it is automatically assumed of whites until they prove otherwise, and that's not a good thing. Writers should not apply their own racial biases to the subject matter by making that assumption.

"If the race of a jury of their peers is germane, then the race of the defendants is germane. So let's mention it in the same paragraph. In a balanced story, those facts are connected, are they not?

"Is the reporter under the impression that juries are picked based on the race of the victim in some cases and the race of the defendant in others? The prosecution did not make an issue of an all-white jury. Heck, they picked them. Yet, it's an issue for the reporter. Why is that, if not a bias in the reporter himself or an attempt by the reporter to play to the bias of his readership?

"Tough-on-crime politicians set up this sorry boot camp. Now, they're grandstanding the issue with the aid of the press. We become a partner in this farce when we push hot-button language such as 'all-white jury.' If that's important, let's get it on the table. Let's say why.

"I'm done. I have expressed here exactly what I would tell one of our reporters."

The reply?

"The facts are the facts."

Sgt. Friday could not have said it better, but this is not a TV show, so let's go a little deeper.

Here's how a reporter works. She starts with a universe of facts and ends with a solar system of a story. Ideally, she clears the clutter to reveal the truth.

Less humble reporters use facts to inject their point of view. They do not see themselves as biased. On the contrary, they are broad-minded, progressive and right.

Is it their fault the rest of us are Neanderthals?

Last month's communique to the bureau involved the obligatory, knee-jerk, guns-are-evil follow-up to a Miami shooting.

AP quoted a federal agent as saying you could buy assault weapons by mail.

I told AP that's not true. They argued that the story did not say you could do that legally .

The major news outfits, crusaders all, are eager to help us shun our wicked ways by lighting any fire they can.

Out here in the sticks, we know rubes when we see them.

Phil Lucas is executive editor of The News Herald in Panama City, Fla. Contact him at [email protected]. To find out more about Lucas and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.