Warming Up For A New, Better WarA slick PR chick sent the newspaper a press release. A nearby community is holding an environmental love-in. They will watch "An Inconvenient Truth." They will hold discussions on green energy. Bring a blanket and lawn chairs. Groovy, baby. She added: "I doubt you are a fan of Al Gore, but… "What's worse, a 25-foot surge of water or a 25-thousand surge of troops? "The event could be newsworthy! "Let me know if I can help to spread the word about protecting the environment." What surge is worse? That's not the question. The question is: What's the difference? Both surges invoke doomsday threats to justify government action, requiring the usual redeployment of cash from taxpayers to the government. Nonetheless, spread the word we shall! I responded: "Yes, I am packing for the poles where it once was 76 degrees. You can buy a hunka hunka tundra pretty cheap right now. Park your RV on it, and drop a line through the ice and reel them in. We'll be pulling out the beach umbrellas shortly. "Gore's a government guy like Bush. All we have to do is figure out to whom he's funneling our money. I own silver, gold and uranium mining shares, and I am counting on the government for continued monetary and energy crises for the big payoff. "Did Al point out that the Chinese are building a coal-fired plant a day? Does he think whirlybirds, solar cells or hydrogen can power up to 6.5 billion people? Probably so, so I bought that stuff, too — a long shot on lunacy. "Is he into ethanol, turning food into greenhouse gases and tripling the profits of the corn lobby? "Buy uranium, kiddo. (Bonds, too, the smart money says.) I know it goes against your environmental instincts, but with Al and George and their pals, it's not about the environment, democracy or the threat du jour.
"For instance, massive government programs for green energy would require massive government borrowing and the consequent massive profits to the financial services industry, the government's bankers, not to mention massive extortion of fossil fuels industries to fill campaign war chests and to reap federal tax revenue for peanut monuments, teacup museums and bridges named after congressmen. Everybody wins but the taxpayers. They get the massive bill. "It is a plan, and I am betting they pull it off, because they always have. Silver, gold, uranium, oil, bonds. It's all cheap today. When we sell, we can buy 40 acres and a mule and plant date palms in the Arctic. "You bet we'll print the event. Attendance is MANDATORY." It makes no difference whether global warming is real, or its causes. The coercive confiscatory power of government will issue forth in the new War on Warming. We can expect success equal to the War on Drugs, the War on Poverty and all the other wars on the American taxpayer. Nevertheless, the political-business ruling class senses we tire of the old wars, so a new one is needed. It is a shame. The War on Terror looked perfect. It could have gone on forever, since the enemy was everywhere and would never surrender. But Gore's gang has upped the ante. The War on Warming can be redeclared every summer. A balmy Christmas could fire it up. True, a war renewed quarterly or monthly could trump it. And no doubt our leaders are working on wars by the day, hour and minute, but that could be several years in the future. It matters not what war is real, but what war will reel them in. Phil Lucas is executive editor of The News Herald in Panama City, Fla. Contact him at plucas@pcnh.com. To find out more about Lucas and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com. COPYRIGHT 2007 CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.
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