A Deal On The Dollar
The U.S. Mint made a mistake.
They left In God We Trust off some of the new George Washington dollar coins.
This latest dollar effort, brilliantly designed at about the size of a quarter, should please the public as well as its predecessors: the Susan B. Anthony, Sacagawea and Skunk Ape.
This is a new dollar coin of private mintage, guaranteed to be worth 95 cents next year just like government money, backed by the full faith and credit of the con man who coined it.
Write me and I will ship you a crate of them at a discount for 50 cents a pop, which I think should rival the buying power of the U.S. dollar in, say, seven years?
The U.S. dollar is so ruined that the Postal Service wants to raise prices more than 6 percent. The president proposes a federal budget up almost 5 percent.
Meanwhile, the poor saps on Social Security get a raise of 3.3 percent, which is tied to the government's official inflation calculation, the CPI.
But there is good news on inflation. Congress has taken an interest in the inflated pay of CEOs. Because they have been elected to Congress and therefore possess special abilities, experts in managing not just the economy but also individual enterprises, legislators have leapt into action, capes aflutter, to right the wrongs of compensation inequality.
These same legislators get automatic annual pay raises, along with necessary and deserved perks: barbers, chefs, waiters, doctors, guards, cars, chauffeurs, jets, gymnasiums and masseurs.
This ensures Congress a more equal share of these luxuries lest taxpayers retain their money and buy them for themselves.
In true government tradition, the Mint claims ignorance in the dollar caper. They know not what happened to In God We Trust.
Christian conspiracists suspect a plot, purposeful omission by the godless bureaucracy. Not true, my innocents. Bigger forces are at play.
I have seen it in a vision.
God wearied of seeing his name on our debased coinage and corrupt currency. He reached down and wiped it off a handful of the trinkets.
And if you think that's scary, Mr. U.S. Mint and you rightist and leftist fiat currency enablers, wait till you see what happens when you present yourself at the Pearly Gates, when you, the Treasury Department, Congress, president, federal courts, Federal Reserve and your entourages and hangers-on discover the consequences of creating mountains of money and credit, piling your plates with caviar and truffles and leaving beans and rice upon ours, destroying the money we spent days, weeks, months and years to earn, only to see it evaporate in your immoral horror of inflation, after which you collect your final reward when the Voice of the Universe issues forth from blinding light and roars in skull-splitting thunder, THOU SHALT NOT STEAL!!!!!!!
Notice the multiple exclamation marks. These indicate a command you should have heard before, if nowhere else but from your mamas, whose job it was to keep peace in the household, who knew that theft in the family causes war and misery. Bless the mamas.
But you did not learn. You thought you would win 72 virgins for your wicked ways. Ha!
Welcome to Federal Reserve hell, where prices rise forever, where you labor harder and your money buys less, stuck on a treadmill to nowhere, the flames of burning dollars licking at your ankles, just like the system you aided and abetted on earth.
Now, everybody remain calm.
It was, after all, just a vision. It could be some mistake.
Phil Lucas is executive editor of The News Herald in Panama City, Fla. Contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org. To find out more about Lucas and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
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