Phil Lucas from Creators Syndicate

We Got Our Man -- Let The Games Begin for 08/25/2007

Sat, 25 Aug 2007 00:00:00 -0700

The feds got their man.

They will extract their pound of flesh for actions not against a human or even an animal, but against sensibilities.

The highest paid man in football will plead guilty to federal charges related to dog fighting, according to his lawyers.

To hear the reporting and commentary, we might think Michael Vick is charged with cruelty to animals.

Not s ...

Updated: Sat Aug 25, 2007

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Gringos and Amigos Hit Road to Riches for 09/01/2007

Sat, 01 Sep 2007 00:00:00 -0700

The amigos gathered at the Alamo's electric meter, which was spinning, spinning, spinning.

The power bill had arrived. The boys took it as a threat to the Alamo homeland security. They stormed from the barracks, bent on vengeance.

They cast a Spanish spell — an intoxicating potion of beer and accordion music, in a haze of cigarette smoke. They flogged the meter with The Wall ...

Updated: Sat Sep 01, 2007

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We All Bleed When The Crocodiles Cry for 09/08/2007

Sat, 08 Sep 2007 00:00:00 -0700

Gold topped $700 an ounce for December futures contracts.

You may recall when it was $270, when oil was $18 a barrel, when gas at the pump was about a dollar. We are not pining wistfully for some bygone era. This was six short years ago.

Even if you own gold, you may not celebrate its rise. It means the reason you bought it — as insurance against the profligate spending, gre ...

Updated: Sat Sep 08, 2007

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Get Ready To Pay -- The Pol Has A Plan for 09/15/2007

Sat, 15 Sep 2007 00:00:00 -0700

Politicians, embracing economic fallacies debunked generations ago, continue their crusade to plunder the public purse.

Florida's Gov. Charlie Crist is a pol with promise. Not a year in office, he aspires to the front of the rogues' gallery of con men and scalawags who comprise the elected class.

Voters enthrone them into seats from which they cannot be dislodged, then awake to fi ...

Updated: Sat Sep 15, 2007

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Morality -- Missing In Action for 09/22/2007

Sat, 22 Sep 2007 00:00:00 -0700

The nation's economic death spiral accelerated as the Federal Reserve whacked interest rates.

The dollar plunged. Wall Street cheered.

The public remains in a coma, sedated by the government educational apparatus in faith, trust and obedience.

Visions reappeared the past week only the aged have witnessed. The rest of us have seen the pictures in history texts, in the same c ...

Updated: Sat Sep 22, 2007

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Grab The Tasers -- It's The Big One for 09/29/2007

Sat, 29 Sep 2007 00:00:00 -0700

It is coming in the nick of time.

In a move to ensure the staff's health, the newspaper may hold CPR classes between coffee and cigarette breaks.

I suggested this after another week of news, during which I hurled insults and sunflower seeds at the office tube, screaming, "It's the BIG ONE, you MORONS!"

We wanted some defibrillators, too. To cut costs, we settled f ...

Updated: Sat Sep 29, 2007

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The World Starves For Leadership for 10/06/2007

Sat, 06 Oct 2007 00:00:00 -0700

The dark side, as we know, celebrates war, famine and pestilence. All carry the threat of death and death itself.

Men fear death. To put it off, they will give themselves into bondage.

Is that not the object of the dark side, to enslave men through fear of death?

Toward this end, deadly threats must be made.

The war method is well known. No day dawns without war or t ...

Updated: Sat Oct 06, 2007

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We Sail The Course We Set for 10/13/2007

Sat, 13 Oct 2007 00:00:00 -0700

We had a storage problem at the Alamo.

The amigos and I powwowed at Pedro's pickup, which had assumed the position — hood raised with an amigo under it and five standing around.

At issue? Where to hide the stash.

Observing the economic horizon — the clouds onrushing, the air thick and worried, the coming monstrous blow of Al Gore proportions — we had dumpe ...

Updated: Sat Oct 13, 2007

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Help for Old and Young -- Federal Style for 10/20/2007

Sat, 20 Oct 2007 00:00:00 -0700

The first baby boomer signed up this week to collect Social Security.

Also, the government announced Social Security recipients would get a whopping 2.3 percent cost of living increase next year.

Hawaii here we come, perhaps by canoe.

While inflation roars along at almost 10 percent, the poor saps on Social Security get a 2.3 percent raise. Their money buys 7.5 percent less ...

Updated: Sat Oct 20, 2007

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We Have Seen the Rubes, and They Are Us for 10/27/2007

Sat, 27 Oct 2007 00:00:00 -0700

It is known outside of Northwest Florida that residents of this coast are a rabble of rubes.

These beaches, bays and bayous to which the country flocks go to waste on the natives.

It is true we take baths every Saturday night whether we need them or not.

We also drink our coffee out of saucers, swat wasps in two-hole outhouses and beat our women — when the women are n ...

Updated: Sat Oct 27, 2007

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Who Is That Masked Man, Kemo Sabe? for 11/03/2007

Sat, 03 Nov 2007 00:00:00 -0700

The deification of Ben Bernanke has begun.

All hail Bernanke!

Grand Pooh-Bah!

Kemo Sabe!

Great Bald Bwana!

We expect this sort of salutation from the political and bureaucratic classes gorging at the public trough.

Now, we get it in the alleged independent press.

The day the Federal Reserve was expected to deliver another cut in the discount rate ...

Updated: Sat Nov 03, 2007

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The Herd Gets A Fair Warning for 11/10/2007

Sat, 10 Nov 2007 00:00:00 -0800

I just got the latest financial market bulletin. It beamed into a metal filling in a tooth in which I am receiving radio signals from a galaxy far, far away.

This is a device similar to that used by Democrat presidential candidates to get instructions from UFOs and aliens on drawing up their policy positions. It comes with a decoder ring in a Cracker Jack box.

When will we start d ...

Updated: Sat Nov 10, 2007

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A Vote for Liberty or Death for 11/17/2007

Sat, 17 Nov 2007 00:00:00 -0800

Americans believe they are special, superior, chosen and blessed by God. All empires promulgated this myth.

There is no limit to the follies and atrocities of a powerful people when they impose their will upon others, as master to slave.

When humanity perceives such a people as a threat, the survival instinct is to kill the rogue tribe.

Our leaders have plunged us into ever ...

Updated: Sat Nov 17, 2007

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Have a Complaint? Get in Line for 11/24/2007

Sat, 24 Nov 2007 00:00:00 -0800

A reader called and said, "You are the sixth person I have spoken with, and they all denied knowing you."

I replied, "So, you've spoken with my relatives."

"No! The newspaper office."

I sympathized. "You've been getting the runaround. It is inexcusable."

"I have a major complaint."

"Sir, you have come to t ...

Updated: Sat Nov 24, 2007

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In Hock for the Holidays for 12/01/2007

Sat, 01 Dec 2007 00:00:00 -0800

There is too much cheer around here.

The cause?

A seasonal divorce from reality in the surreal interlude from Thanksgiving to Christmas.

What we need is a bottle of brandy and a dose of economic news. We will all feel worse and everything will return to normal.

The mask fell off the farce of our banking system last week as the nation's economic collapse continued to ...

Updated: Sat Dec 01, 2007

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Out With the Gringos, In With the Amigos for 12/08/2007

Sat, 08 Dec 2007 00:00:00 -0800

On the bayou, dock lights rippled on the water between the crab traps. The red glow of autumn sunset streamed through the sycamores and palms.

Upon the Alamo, the amigos laid siege with unrelenting salvos of accordion polka tunes that German immigrants had inflicted upon their ancestors, who mistook it for music.

I put down the Rolling Stone, having finished "How America Lost ...

Updated: Sat Dec 08, 2007

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Gotta Love Napalm in the Morning for 12/15/2007

Sat, 15 Dec 2007 00:00:00 -0800

If you love the smell of napalm in the morning, turn on your television, which I am watching from underneath my desk, cell phone open, putting in "to go" orders for ammo and gold.

The odor comes through the screen.

There is Henry Paulson, Goldman Sachs U.S. Treasury Secretary, looking like he has just shoplifted a box of BC off a Wal-Mart shelf.

There is Ben Berna ...

Updated: Sat Dec 15, 2007

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Federales Burn Energy and Us, Too for 12/22/2007

Sat, 22 Dec 2007 00:00:00 -0800

Here's how it's done.

You get a bottle of metal polish. You squeeze it on a cloth and rub the plastic headlight lenses of your car.

That removes the yellow film so you can see the road at night.

For amusement during those 10 minutes every two to four weeks — two to four hours a year — you can curse Washington.

The lenses are plastic instead of glass to li ...

Updated: Sat Dec 22, 2007

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For New Year's, the Password Is 'Be Prepared' for 12/29/2007

Sat, 29 Dec 2007 00:00:00 -0800

Let us make our New Year's resolutions.

Some may be the same as last. The world remains a stage of human folly. Against the bondage of emotion, we might prevail through the clarity of rationality.

Eliminate debt.

In our fiat monetary system, debt is money and money is debt.

Without debt, the system collapses. With debt, the system collapses. However, if you ...

Updated: Sat Dec 29, 2007

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Miss Kitty, Can You Spare a Dime? for 01/05/2008

Sat, 05 Jan 2008 00:00:00 -0800

We shot the rabbit in midafternoon.

Four of us walked a logging road, shotguns pointed down, and it darted out of the bushes. One of the boys — they all went to Vietnam and two came back mostly whole, except for 40 or 60 years of coming nightmares and regrets — pulled up and put it down.

Just like that. A blur of fur one second, a limp body the next.

The boys we ...

Updated: Sat Jan 05, 2008

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