The Perfect Cable Newscast

"Breaking news — and you have it here first on FoxCNNBC.

"We're getting reports of new developments in the high-seas drama off the coast of Africa. In another dramatic twist, a Sunday school teacher charged with molesting a pirate's child was forced into a lifeboat at gunpoint.

"Sources at the Pentagon say the pirates are escaped convicts from a prison in Texas, where they worshiped Satan and sometimes recited verses from the Koran.

"Reliable reports now situate the distressed vessel just a few nautical miles from the site of a confrontation earlier this week, when a flotilla of terrorists — communicating with Twitter and virtually addicted to Facebook — demanded the release of a Taliban fighter from U.S. custody in a prison near Kabul.

"Unconfirmed reports say that the pirates, heavily influenced by a recent Hollywood film starring Johnny Depp, were seeking the release of the new dog acquired by the Obama family in the White House.

"In a strange side note, a joint statement just put out by several animal-rights groups in Britain accused the pirates of exploiting worldwide love of pets for their own political agendas.

"In Washington, a White House spokesman, speaking on background, confirmed that the demand had been posted on a website that has sometimes been linked to al-Qaida but added that the authenticity of the message could not be immediately confirmed.

"At the State Department, a high-level source said that piracy is a threat to free trade and could not be allowed to succeed in provoking a protectionist response.

"Another reaction came from the Family Research Council, which charged that some of the teenage pirates involved in recent confrontations on the high seas were also mixed up in repeated instances of 'sexting.' The council called for international regulation of cell-phone use by minors.

"In another development in this fast-breaking story, the Federal Reserve Board issued a statement calling for more stringent regulation of commerce in gold and other types of treasure believed to be prevalent in pirate booty.

"At the top of the next hour, we'll hear from a pair of psychologists who warn that 'copycat' pirates could soon be coming to a beach near you.

What should you tell your children?

"But first — an exclusive interview with a former outfielder for the Pittsburgh Pirates, who confesses that he worries about the impact of the latest news on his children in western Pennsylvania.

"Before that, however, we're getting some very interesting Twitter messages. John from Manhattan Beach in California says, 'Maybe this is all an elaborate publicity stunt for a big-studio blockbuster movie.'

"Another one of our Twitter viewers has the opinion that 'all pirates should be forced to salute Old Glory or face the death penalty.' That's an interesting thought.

"Meanwhile, on Facebook, we see that several of our viewers have posted pictures of themselves masquerading as pirates during recent Halloween outings.

"On Capitol Hill, anti-tax Republicans said this afternoon that efforts by the Obama administration to crack down on off-shore tax havens for corporations have amounted to an assault on the free market. They blamed the White House for encouraging confiscatory activities of the sort practiced by pirates from time immemorial.

"Meanwhile, a prominent think tank in Washington adds this new twist — charging that efforts to impose a 'death tax' in the United States have added to a 'Robin Hood' mentality that may be a factor in the current piracy epidemic.

"But first: What effect is this story likely to have on sales of food products with pirates on the package? We asked you that question online, and the results are coming in.

"This just in: The world's leading manufacturer of compact discs is now saying that the explosion of piracy incidents may ..."

Norman Solomon is the author of the book "War Made Easy: How Presidents and Pundits Keep Spinning Us to Death," which has been made into a documentary film. For information, go to: www.normansolomon.com.

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