Molly Ivins September 7

AUSTIN — I am indebted to the wonderful Will Durst for this delicious piece of news. The House cut $174,000 from the budget of the National Science Foundation as a punishment for its having underwritten a study on why civic leaders choose not to run for Congress. Rep. William Clay of Missouri was particularly incensed over this prodigal waste of taxpayers' money, observing, "If there's one thing we do not need in this country, it's more people running for Congress." He also said the study is "an affront to every member of this Congress because these two professors start with the premise that we are not getting the best-qualified people to serve in Congress."

How dare they? What kind of premise is that?

The other day, some congressman from Indiana was waxing indignant about an allegation that certain congressmen had expressed untruths during an earlier hearing. Boy, was he outraged that anyone would dare to suggest that a member of Congress would lie!

Of course, 97.2 percent of all Americans (a figure I had to make up since I can't get a grant from the National Science Foundation) think that members of Congress lie habitually, shamelessly and relentlessly. The two aforementioned professors, those cads with the space-cadet premise, report that "cynicism by the public about public service and those involved in public service" may account for the fact that so many community leaders won't run for public office.

Although I hesitate to fan the flames of cynicism, the sight of Sen. Don Nickles of Oklahoma attempting to mess up the consent decree governing the Teamsters union was not the sort of thing that makes one's heart beat faster with patriotic pride. There he was in the Senate on Thursday, carrying on about the cost of paying for another Teamsters election as though the whole deal had been set up to rip off the taxpayers.

Sen. Arlen Specter (R-Pa.) tried to explain to Nickles why Congress shouldn't interfere in a consent decree, but Nickles was not impressed by the petty constraints of the Constitution.

Ted Stevens (R-Alaska) told him that it was a jerk move politically and that he was just holding up an important bill with a controversial rider.

Nickles was uninterested in the practical politics of the situation.

Sens. Paul Wellstone and Edward Kennedy, the last liberals left in Washington, valiantly argued that the rider was just a cheap shot against the Teamsters for having won the UPS strike. Naturally, Nickles refused to admit that.

Finally, Sen. Paul Sarbanes of Maryland arrived and went ballistic. You just want to hand the union back to the mob? he asked, in effect. The rider will be voted on this month.

Also inspiring idealism and patriotism in the populace was the House's 217-210 vote to continue funding the torture school in Fort Benning, Ga. You will recall that this is the charming institution that has instructed a couple of generations of Latin American military men in torture techniques. Its graduates have gone on to commit the most celebrated cases of human-rights abuse on the continent over the years, including killing priests, raping nuns, wiping out Indians and so forth.

Rep. Esteban Torres of California offered an amendment to cut funding for training grants to Latin American soldiers, but no, our elected representatives couldn't quite bring themselves to take so drastic a step. Besides, the Army has promised not to teach torture anymore, so that makes it all OK. Just ask the people of Guatemala.

Next, we have the matter of the special deal for Montana in the Superfund legislation. In order to get the bill to the floor, the leadership needs the support of Sen. Max Baucus of Montana, ranking Democrat on the committee, so they slipped in a special deal for him. Montana gets to continue its $765 million lawsuit against Atlantic Richfield for what is known in legal circles as "long-term environmental restoration." Of course, the big polluters just hate this kind of lawsuit, and so the bill limits every other state's ability to file this kind of claim. Nifty, eh?

Much as I love Butte, Mont. (an acquired taste — it is an environmental disaster area), I fail to see the wisdom of cutting other states off from the same help in cleaning up toxic dumps I hope Montana gets. As The New York Times pointed out, New York would like to sue General Electric on allegations of dumping PCBs in the Hudson River, California wants to sue several companies for dumping toxic chemicals near Palos Verdes, and so on.

Back to the two bozo professors and their astonishing assumption that we are not getting the best-qualified people to serve in Congress. Where did they ever get such an outrageous idea?

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Molly Ivins is a columnist for the Fort Worth Star-Telegram.

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