Molly Ivins September 25

WASHINGTON — A friend of mine once wrote a book called "Strange Peaches," which is kind of an obscure concept, but I'm always reminded of it when I come to Washington. Right now, the whole town is obsessed by the fact that Bill Clinton and Al Gore seem to have made telephone calls from one room that would have been legal if they had been made from another room; therefore, a special prosecutor must be appointed to see if they should both be impeached for wrong-room phoning, and if Attorney General Janet Reno doesn't name such a prosecutor, she should be impeached for failure to wipe the blight of wrong-room phoning from our national life.

Strange peaches.

Now, should a body take the notion that wrong-room phoning is not the nub of the problem here — that perhaps there is a larger picture we might examine — a body might think the Thompson committee is doing the right thing by stepping back to look at the Big Picture. But that body would sure be surprised by the commentary in Washington, where many people are very smart and knowing. You can't put one over on them. And what they say is that Sen. Fred Thompson had run out of steam, didn't have any good witnesses left and was about to get into an area that would embarrass the Republicans. Therefore, he gets no points for giving up on Buddhist nuns and going on to the Big Picture.

You see, the basic assumptions here are Nothing Is As It Seems and No One Tells the Truth. Perhaps these assumptions are, in fact, correct. But you sure can wind up looking like a fool by following them.

There was an interesting case of cynics looking dumb last week on a Sunday chat show. The topic was the rather astounding fact that Ted Turner of CNN had just announced that he is giving 1 billion bucks, one-third of his net worth, to U.N.-related humanitarian programs.

We checked, and it's one of those times we get to use the word "unprecedented." No one has ever given away that much money before, and it's an unusual gift in that it goes to help the people of the world who are in the most desperate need. Most big-rich folks give their money to art museums and elite universities.

OK, here's the reaction to this extraordinary gift from regular Sunday-morning commentators:

George Will could scarcely restrain his contempt and disgust for this gift because the United Nations is involved. The United Nations, he informs us all, can waste $1 billion in no time flat. Why, a gift this size could barely keep their bureaucrats functioning for more than a day or two.

Now, keep in mind that Turner is putting this money into humanitarian programs. Among the best known of these are the World Health Organization, which has wiped out entire diseases and is world-renowned for its child-immunization programs. Also pre-eminent in its field is the Commission on Refugees, which tries to deal with the masses of humanity sloshing across borders every year because of war, repression and terror. As we all know, their conditions range from dire to desperate.

The prospect that such folks might be helped by such a generous grant did not stop Cokie Roberts from animadverting on Turner's personality (the "Mouth of the South") and announcing the really important news that she's never much cared for him.

Then Sam Donaldson weighed in with a few more uncomplimentary comments, and they all had a big chuckle because they'd heard that Turner's wife, actress Jane Fonda, had cried when Turner told her about this humongous gift he was giving. "Boy, I'd cry too if my husband gave away a billion dollars, heh, heh, heh." As had been widely reported, Fonda, who has been pushing Turner's philanthropic button for years, cried with joy at the news of this splendid gift.

What you did not hear during the entire discussion was one single comment that would have encouraged anyone to give money to a worthy cause again. When the largest single gift anyone has ever given is greeted with contempt, cynicism, personal attacks and an insult to one's wife, why would anyone bother to give money to a good cause? To get snickered at on national television? To have your motives and your wife insulted?

I'm not saying we need to declare Ted Turner a saint — saints so seldom have a billion dollars to give away. For those who presume to speak for the public, "thank you" would have been sufficient. Those who have yet to give one-third of their own net worth to any worthy, humanitarian cause are hardly in a position to snicker at Turner. For those in the media who worry about why we are so unpopular, I commend this charming example of bad manners and cynicism as a case study.

Meanwhile, Congress has distinguished itself yet again by giving itself a stealth pay raise. Not a big deal — they got the same 2.3 percent cost-of-living increase that the civil-service folks get. No problem there, except that they did it in a sneaky way: by carefully not voting on the issue. For those in Congress who worry about why they're so unpopular, try studying this unappetizing maneuver.

One of the more curious aspects of life in Washington is that which does not rise to the level of public discussion. For example, for 220 years now, whoever got elected president was entitled to name federal judges as vacancies opened. Now, without any announcement or discussion, we find that this is no longer true. The Republican leadership in the Senate has unilaterally decided to change this constitutional arrangement by simply refusing to confirm Clinton's nominees to the bench. Clinton's nominees are a depressingly moderate bunch; they're not being held up because they're ideologically controversial. This is apparently another manifestation of the heightened partisanship that plagues the city.

In another sneak move that says volumes about the way Washington works, while the brothers in Congress were in high dudgeon over Gore's wrong-room phone calls, they decided to reform the House ethics process — by making it weaker than it already is. What a beauty move. Under the new ethics rules, outside groups and individuals are barred from bringing complaints against members of Congress, leaving it up to the members themselves. And you know how willing they are to take on powerful members with whom they have to work every day.

To pull a stunt like that, while inveighing against the Clinton administration, requires capital-C Chutzpah. Do you find it easier to forgive a sinner than a hypocrite? I always have, but maybe it's just me. I suspect that's why this visit to Hypocrisy City has left me with a sour impression.

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Molly Ivins is a columnist for the Fort Worth Star-Telegram.

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