Molly Ivins September 17

AUSTIN — I tuned in to CBS' premier public affairs program Sunday morning to find 100 years of accumulated experience in American political journalism discussing whether or not the president of the United States has distinguishing genital characteristics — that or possibly a sexually transmitted disease.

Now, you understand there is no evidence whatever for either theory. None. Whatsoever. What we have here doesn't even meet the requirements for back-fence gossip. Not one iota, not one scintilla of a source — just malicious gossip released into the airwaves with reckless disregard as to its truth. In case you don't recognize the phrase in the preceding sentence, it comes from the famous Times vs. Sullivan libel decision. It is widely believed that a journalist can no longer defame a public figure and be held legally responsible for it. That is untrue. And the American media are dangerously close to crossing that legal line, if not already well past it.

In terms of the standards of our own profession, our performance is atrocious, disgusting and shameful. I am proud to say that I have never worked for a newspaper that would not have instantly fired any reporter for printing such a scurrilous and baseless story — and then run a front-page apology. It is degrading to our profession, insulting to our president and offensive to our country.

The entire basis for this disgraceful "journalism" is that President Clinton prefers not to release his health records in nauseating detail. Bob Dole has done so, so we are all able to rejoice in the happy news that he takes Metamucil four times a day. We did not need to know that, nor do we have a right to know that. Nor do we need to know the details of the president's nasal drip. Because we know this president has serious allergies, we are more or less justified in presuming that he is shielding us from his nasal drip. There is no foundation whatever to speculate about anything else. As Joseph Welch said long ago, "Have you no sense of decency, sir, at long last?"

Speaking of decency, Rep. William Clinger, chairman of the Government Reform and Oversight Committee, is trying to get information from Dick Morris after a hooker alleged that he told her the first lady was behind the White House acquisition of the first five letters of the alphabet's worth of FBI files on former White House staffers.

This same Rep. Clinger is the one has spent many months and many millions of dollars investigating why seven people in the White House travel office lost their jobs, although any new administration was legally entitled to fire them. As Michael Moore points out in his new book, "Downsize This!" more than 10 million Americans have lost their jobs through downsizing since the late 1980s, and not a single congressional hearing, not a single nickel, has been spent on investigating why. That's seven (1-2-3-4-5-6-7) political jobs vs. 10 million jobs in the real world. Is anyone else sick of this garbage?

Meanwhile, down in Arkansas, independent counsel Kenneth Starr quietly announced late Friday afternoon (the perfect time to get zero coverage) that he was dropping the case against two of Clinton's former backers who had been accused of taking $13,000 from their own bank. This was the case that was supposed to prove that Clinton's 1990 campaign was rife with illegal contributions; this was the second Whitewater; Bruce Lindsay was an unindicted co-conspirator; this was the case that was going to bring Clinton down. Starr spent seven weeks trying the case and got major national coverage. But have you read or heard anywhere about his dropping the case?

Not to worry, conspiracy fans — Starr announced yesterday that he would subpoena the hooker's diary for some more exciting hearsay.

Now if I may raise a minor point, what was Susan McDougal of Whitewater fame doing in chains last week? Has she ever failed to appear for any legal date? Attacked anyone? Presented a clear and present danger? We are told that all prisoners in Arkansas are treated like that. Strange — David Hale, the felon whose allegations against Clinton are the foundation of the entire Whitewater case, has never been chained hand and foot.

The media are clearly taking their lead from the Star tabloid, so I herewith give you this week's headlines gratis:

— "Top Dole Aide in Sex Orgies Scandal."

— "Nanny Mom: I Lost 20 lbs. on Star's Cabbage Soup Diet."

— "Why Jackie O Feared Hunky John-John Was Gay."

— "O.J.'s Outrageous Plot to Beat the Rap: He's Going to Claim Nicole Terrorized Him."

For those of you who still care about minor little issues like the public schools, Bill Moyers presented a superb program on our schools last week on PBS; watch for the rebroadcast.

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Molly Ivins is a columnist for the Fort Worth Star-Telegram.

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