Molly Ivins October 13

AUSTIN, Texas — Are you an unlikely voter? Then your country needs YOU.

All the pundits and pollsters are telling us that only "likely voters" count this year. You unlikely voters are as dirt beneath the feet of the consultants, spin doctors and admeisters who apparently decide the fate of the nation these days. You unlikely voters will not even be addressed; your concerns are of no import in this election, your opinions of no account and your interests of no worth. You are, you sad sacks, unlikely. A pox upon your house.

No one is wooing you. Not a single ad will be tailored to your worries; your insignificance and irrelevance has been pronounced from all the political pulpits. Damned by the adjective "unlikely," may you never rise to the level of the attention of the great and mighty again, you unlikely, non-voting worms.

Personally, I can think of three good reasons why all "unlikelies" should bother to spend 20 minutes struggling to the polls in this, our hour of national discontent.

Numero Uno, to Send Them A Message. Of course, it's a little confusing as to just what message we might send from deep in the heart of unlikelihood. They tell us this will be our only chance to weigh in on the impeachment of President Clinton. Because of some unfathomable algebra of electoral politics, only the "likelies" matter here, and all the likelies are Republican "base voters." After the likelies have weighed in, an inevitable sequence in the political chain reaction will force the Republicans to impeach the philandering toad whether he deserves it or not.

I doubt I could convincingly argue that it's worth 20 minutes of our time to pull Clinton's rear out of a crack. On the other hand, I can make a great case for sending the following message: "Oh, shut up and get back to work."

Now there, my fellow unlikelies, is a message that all Washington needs to hear. And I warn you now: If we don't send that message, our elected nincompoops are going to continue to waste our time and our money on this sorry soap opera. Meanwhile, in case you hadn't noticed, the global economy is crumbling under our feet. "Shut up and get back to work" is the most pertinent message I can imagine.

Numero Two-o, if the unlikelies don't show up at the polls, we all have to listen to another six months to two years of Monica Lewinsky.

Oh. Please. Have. Mercy.

You do realize that Congress is actually threatening to call this unfortunate young woman to testify on national television in yet more excruciating and nauseating detail about all that servicing she gave the president? No one — and I do include Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky — should have to answer questions on national television about the details of their sex lives. Doesn't anyone around here have any sense at all? Apparently, unless you unlikelies get off your duffs, the answer is "no."

Numero Three-o, wouldn't it be really fun to make every pundit and pollster in America look like a complete idiot? I must confess, that's my idea of a good time. Wouldn't it be great to see every one of them whomper-jawed on Nov. 4? Sam, George, Cokie, Dan, Tom and Peter — all of them speechless. What joy! (I don't actually know these people; I'm just adopting their habit of referring to people they've never met, such as "Monica," as though they were close personal friends.)

Of course, in order to achieve these happy results, you unlikelies would have to vote mostly Democratic, and let me warn you right now that voting for any obvious idiots you find on that side of the ballot is not a solution. This is a point I try to make every election, no matter what your party preference: Please don't vote for drivel-heads, even if you do favor one party over the other. On the other hand, if the Democrats have managed to nominate someone who seems fairly rational and is concerned about the global economy, education and Social Security, don't miss this chance to Send Them A Message, Avoid More Months of Monica and make every commentator in America look like a perfect fool.

"Oh, shut up and get back to work" — I think that's worth 20 minutes of your time.

Now is the time for all good unlikelies to come to the aid of their country. We really are in something of a dire pickle here. Setting aside this tawdry soap opera into which Clinton and Kenneth Starr have dragged us, both democracy and capitalism are at stake here.

I am a lifelong believer in the theory that you should always vote for something instead of against. If I had a choice, I would. But I am afraid we have reached such a nadir of negative politics that our only choice is to go negative — against Starr, Newt Gingrich, More Monica and this entire bizarre episode.

Molly Ivins is a columnist for the Fort Worth Star-Telegram. To find out more about Molly Ivins and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate web page at www.creators.com.

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