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Molly Ivins November 3

AUSTIN, Texas — OK, team, what are we going to do on Tuesday?

VOTE!

Yessss, friends, it's time once more to list the compelling reasons that send us scurrying to the polls no matter how we feel about the candidates or the campaign. With this handy compilation of dandy reasons to vote clutched in your grubby hand, you too will find yourself headed pollward on Tuesday in the full glow of civic virtue to Do Your Duty. Feel free to distribute it to any potential backsliders you know.

Some readers of previous lists have had the nerve to question some assertions thereon. Therefore, this year I am providing full documentation.

WHY YOU SHOULD VOTE:

1. Voting whitens your teeth, sweetens your breath and improves your sex life! (Attested to by numerous studies over the years, endorsed by the American Dental Association, the Listerine Co., Masters and Johnson, and Dr. Ruth.)

2. If you don't vote, you can't whine. (U.S. Constitution.)

3. If no one votes, they will run this campaign all over again. All over again. All over again. (Federal election law.)

4. Contrary to popular myth, voting does not encourage politicians. O contraire, it scares the pants off them to know that there are people out here watching them. (See political memoirs.)

5. You can find foxy babes and stonewall studs as poll-watchers. In friskier precincts, back-room mixers have been known to lead to relationships. (Firsthand observation.)

6. This is your only chance to have more clout than the lobbyists, to outweigh corporate special interests, to stomp on the big money-givers. Politicians study election results because their lives depend on them, and they know whom they owe. (See post-election news coverage.)

7. It's an unparalleled chance to get back at politicians who particularly annoy you. Can't stand Newt Gingrich? Loathe the pres? Dick Armey give you hives? Vote today and ruin their lives. Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord, but you get yours at the polls. (Old Testament.)

8. Voting improves your chances of winning the lottery. (Statistical connection between bell curve and the theory of parallelograms.)

Exercising your franchise is the caloric equivalent of a two-hour aerobics workout; it tightens, tones, increases your serotonin level and instantly gives you thinner thighs. Why do you think they call it exercising the franchise? (U.S. Association of Exercise Instructors.)

10. Voting cures zits, overcomes male-pattern baldness and gives you higher mileage per gallon. (U.S. Association of Dermatologists and the American Automobile Association.)

11. Teens behave amicably and take out the trash without complaint for up to a week after a parent votes. (Voluminous but anecdotal evidence.)

12. Voting improves your career opportunities, overcomes the heartbreak of psoriasis and gives a kick akin to a very dry vodka martini. (National Association of Bartenders.)

13. Doing your duty as a citizen will send you forth from the polls with your head held high, a song in your heart and the bluebird of happiness perched upon your shoulder. (National Ornithological Society.)

14. There's always a chance that we could save the republic. (See past elections.)

Now, let's review the basic rules of voting. Voting is not an exam. You do not have to study to vote. There are no points taken off if you do not complete your ballot. Unless you have a strong party preference, it is best not to vote in races in which you don't know the candidates. If you don't want to vote for or against anyone in a given race, you can skip right over it. Your vote still counts.

It is best not to vote for candidates with cute nicknames (e.g., "Hurricane" or "Bull") or for candidates with names like Jesse James or Marilyn Monroe. They tend not to have much else going for them. (See past elections.)

Under Reason No. 2, please note that Supreme Court decisions over the years have put a strict construction on this constitutional principle. "If you don't vote, you can't whine" includes griping, disputing, remonstrating, calling radio talk shows and moaning about things in general. In other words, the national pastime. In a still-controversial 1937 decision, the court found an additional mandate in the "penumbra" of Section XXII, Article 22, Subsection II (2), as follows: Those who do not vote are required to chirrup, "Why, I think everything is just ticketty-boo!" whenever the subject of Washington, the state capital or politics in general arises.

So, fellow citizens, vote early, vote often, and may God save the republic.

***

Molly Ivins is a columnist for the Fort Worth Star-Telegram.