Molly Ivins November 7

AUSTIN — Ooooouuuu, Texas! Are we ever going to get a chance to wake up after Election Day without a horrible headache and a sense of mortification? Ron Paul? Congressman Clueless? Good grief, even in Louisiana, our longtime rival for the nation's worst politicians, they had enough sense to boot that dingbat Woody Jenkins. So, what do we do? Put Gene Fontenot in a runoff.

Oh, and thanks for giving us more Republicans in the Lege — just what we always needed.

Mind you, I have nothing against sensible Republicans. One of my all-time heroes is Fred Agnich of Dallas. I even like Ike Harris. I voted for Kay Bailey Hutchison; on my better days, I find Warren Chisum amusing. But are you out of your tiny minds? Do you realize that the Texas Lege now has complete control of what we laughingly call the welfare system in this state? They don't have to meet any federal standards except to cut it, so it's open-season on poor kids. Poor kids have no lobbyists in Austin, and if there's one thing this state has a lot of, it's poor children. You know, there was a good reason why they federalized that system in the first place.

Just to review our daffiest picks: Ron Paul is the Libertarian crackpot from Surfside who recommended that we all buy citizenship in Peru, priced at a very reasonable $25,000. (Buy now — some Peruvian is bound to meet Paul and cut off the offer.) Not to mention that he wants to repeal the drug laws and Social Security.

Then there's Congressman Clueless: Steve Stockman of Beaumont, the Christian Coalition-cum-militia case. Stockman led Democrat Nick Lampson into a runoff by two points. Admittedly, Lampson ran a poor campaign, but Clueless is such a painful embarrassment to the state. You can bet that the Christian Coalition, which claims to have distributed 7 million flyers in Texas this election, will be out on Dec. 10.

That should help Fontenot, who is in a runoff against another Republican, Kevin Brady, in Houston's 8th District. Fontenot belongs to something called Citizens for American Restoration, which wants to limit government to "the proper Biblical concerns." According to Citizens for, God does not like inheritance or property taxes.

Fontenot, a millionaire private-hospital investor, wants to cut off all federal aid to education and privatize the public hospitals. I kind of like his wife, though; she's the one who reported: "As we took several pleasure trips around the world, the Lord God would put it into our hearts to buy certain pieces of furniture for our future house.

... In China, we acquired some very good buys."

Aside from Texas, it was a swell Election Night. I actually had a moment of being proud to be a liberal when I stumbled across back-to-back victory speeches on C-SPAN by Sen. Jesse Helms of North Carolina and Sen. Paul Wellstone of Minnesota.

Wellstone, an actual liberal by anyone's reckoning, was so excited to be re-elected that he was overflowing with gratitude in all directions. In typical liberal fashion, he poured the milk of human kindness all over everyone, including his opponent.

Helms, on the other hand, greeted his re-election by gratuitously dumping on former President Jimmy Carter, who had endorsed his opponent. So, Carter endorsed his opponent: It didn't help the guy any, so why trash Carter? Then, Helms gleefully vowed to spend the next six years "torturing Ted Kennedy." What a noble ambition. What a fine thing to do with public office. Helms also boasted that he had been told that "many foreigners dislike the chairman of the Foreign Relations Committee." Whereat his audience cheered mightily. Great — being hated by people in other countries is certainly the mark of a successful foreign relations chair.

Although always willing to be pleasantly surprised, I don't actually hope for much from the "mandate for bipartisanship" that many pundits have spotted. President Clinton did a fine let's-all-work-together speech, but by now, he must have a fairly realistic estimate of what he's dealing with.

Clinton told me four years ago that he thought he was the right president for this time because he knew how to work with Republicans. He was talking about the civilized Rockefeller Republicans he knew in Arkansas. That was before he met Newt Gingrich. Clinton has been through four years of the politics of personal destruction. And Trent Lott, the Senate majority leader, is, if anything, more ideological than Gingrich; he just doesn't have as big a mouth. Dole, the old deal-maker, saved Clinton from untold grief.

I figure we get at least another two years of Gingrich's favorite words — "bizarre," "sick," "pathetic," "twisted," "grotesque" — the kind of thing that inspires confidence in our leaders.

Best thing I heard on Election Night was from Ross Perot. I'm beginning to think we should create a special position for Perot, like "Our Favorite National Nut." For a guy who's crackers, he makes a lot of sense. He suggests that we stand outside the gates and keep the pressure on to make sure our elected leaders stick to their word on campaign finance reform.

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Molly Ivins is a columnist for the Fort Worth Star-Telegram.

COPYRIGHT 1996 CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.