Molly Ivins November 20

SARASOTA, Fla. — Whilst perusing The New York Times of the Southwest ...

I'm sorry. I have tried to say that with a straight face a thousand times, and I still fall out snickering and snorting in the most undignified fashion. Now. Whilst recently perusing The New York Times of the Southwest ... Oh, never mind.

I was reading The Dallas Morning News the other day and came across one of those Dallas Moments so sublime that it brought back to me in all its glory the wonder that is Dallas. Dallas, you see, is trying to decide whether to subsidize Ross Perot Jr.

Now, darn it, stop laughing.

This is precisely the kind of thing that is always happening in Dallas. Not so much that they're always thinking about subsidizing Ross Perot Jr. (that's fairly unusual, even for Dallas) — it's that they're always having these dreadfully earnest debates about something so ridiculous, so utterly lunatic and ludicrous, that the mind reels even trying to take it in.

And then the mind has to further encompass that weirdly Dallasian dimension, which is that we're all talking about whatever it is with utter seriousness. To say that Dallas is somewhat short on a civic sense of the ridiculous is like saying that Tom Landry isn't big on "Boogie 'Til You Puke." I won't bore you with my complete list of Utterly Insane Stuff That Dallas Has Debated With Deadly Earnestness, but take my word for it: The time a pedestrian was shot to death for jaywalking is, like, starter-kit material in Dallas.

So, here's the deal. Ross Perot Jr. owns the Dallas Mavericks, the basketball team, said team having been performing in Reunion Arena in downtown Dallas for lo-these-many years. But Ross the Younger is not happy with the rate of return he is earning on his professional sports franchise and would like to build a new arena from which he could make even more money. Actually, he would not like to build it all himself — he would like the taxpayers of Dallas to help build it for him. Hence the debate. You see.

Plus, if the taxpayers will kick in for a new arena, Ross the Younger promises to develop 50 acres of downtown Dallas (even though the land is on the wrong side of the tracks, the freeways and everything else that might make it work). The Dallas debate is, as always, punctuated by the highly unlikely interjection "you see."

We should first place this debate in the context of a little-known law passed several years ago by the Congress of the United States.

It was one of those voice-votes, no-record, passed-after-midnight specials, and the entire law reads as follows: "All Owners of Professional Sports Franchises are Henceforth Required to be Complete Jerks." This law is rigidly enforced. There is rumor of one exception in Kansas City, but his days are numbered.

Now, you Dallas-haters need to remember a few items relevant to this very situation. Take, for example, the incumbent governor of the state of Texas, Shrub Bush. Gov. Shrub often dwells nostalgically upon his days as a "bidnessman" and how his experience in "bidness" has so fitted him to govern, especially when it comes to matters of taxation.

Keener scholars remember that Shrub's bidness was owning the Texas Rangers baseball team and was greatly enhanced when the good people of Arlington, Texas, agreed to use $135 million of their tax dollars to build Shrub and his team a new stadium. And a dandy stadium it is.

You may think I'm foolin', but I am convinced that if the taxpayers of Arlington were to give me half a penny out of every dollar spent in that fair city, I, too, would be able to build just one bee-yoot of a bidness. Come to think of it, so could you.

What I am suggesting here is that subsidizing Perot the Younger is not such an outre idea. Perot Jr. is a scion, but Shrub is a scion, too; his daddy may not have piled up as much dinero as Ross Sr., but he piled up a lot of good will — and, scion-wise, that works just as well when it comes to porking out on tax dollars. So, you see, this enables Shrub to lecture poor kids in South Texas about how they should pull themselves up by their bootstraps (rather than by the taxpayers of Arlington), which would be more useful if the kids even had sandals.

Plus, it was none other than state Rep. Kim Brimer of Arlington who passed this stupid law in the Lege allowing voters to decide whether to subsidize scions and other grossly rich people. Kind of puts the voters in the Hamlet position: "Shall I share my beaucoup de bucks with that pore li'l ol' Perot kid, or not?" Hard to say.

In Houston, where there is (ahem) just a trifle of bitterness concerning the late Houston Oilers and their singularly charming owner Bud Adams, Ed Fowler of the Houston Chronicle (not The New York Times of the Southwest) has just written a book called "Loser Takes All." Which I commend to the curious on these issues. Quite a funny little study of greed. You see?

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Molly Ivins is a columnist for the Fort Worth Star-Telegram.

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