Molly Ivins May 14

AUSTIN, Texas — The most remarkable thing! You'll be amazed — I certainly am.

Of course, I've always been pro-union — always thought workers had to organize and fight to get basic rights and a living wage. But who knew the board of regents and the top administration of the University of Texas felt the same way? I have wronged them all these years.

My former estimate of UT regents could be summed up by an old graffito that appeared in the ladies' room at Scholz Garten back in the Paleolithic era when Frank Erwin Jr. was chairman of that board. "Do a good deed today," someone wrote on the wall, "give Frank Erwin the clap."

Under which someone else wrote, "Give to him? Hell, charge him for it."

Now, if that isn't a perfect example of the error of hanging onto ossified and outdated prejudice. Little did I know the regents are union organizers to a man and woman. Sam Gomperses every one, little Rosa Luxembourgs — Walter Reuther was nothin' to 'em.

I always assumed that regents started their meetings by singing "The Eyes of Texas." Nope. They start with "Solidarity Forever" and close with "I'm Stickin' to the Union," probably with "The Internationale" thrown in between. We know this from their recent astounding record in promoting unionization at UT.

They began by miserably underpaying the 7,000-member UT staff — everyone from secretaries to gardeners to systems analysts to librarians. In fact, especially librarians — some may consider libraries the heart of any university, but not UT.

Glen Dolfi, 47, a UT philosophy grad who is working on a master's degree, has worked full time at the main library for five years; last year he made $11,652. Boy, do they value education at UT. Don Orozco, 38, a library supervisor with eight years at UT, made $18,000 last year.

Many UT employees qualified for food stamps on their full-time salaries, and others were eligible for charitable programs, like UT's "Orange Santa" Christmas program. I forget who first proposed that the chiseled motto on the Tower, "The Truth Shall Make You Free," be replaced with "Money Talks, Bull—— Walks," but it still seems like a dandy idea.

After years and years of this, morale was so low and turnover so high that the university was spending a small fortune continually training new employees. So, at last, with decisive action required, they did a study. Yep, the old study trick. The study took two years. Then they tried to bury the results; the Austin American-Statesman had to file a Freedom of Information claim to look at the taxpayer-funded study.

The happily named Buck Report concluded that 94 percent of UT's staff is underpaid, getting less than 70 percent of the average for comparable jobs in the Austin market. So, faced with another call for decisive action, the university appointed a committee.

Yep, the old committee trick. And of the 12 members on this committee, exactly one was from the staff.

While the committee met, the regents took the following helpful actions to encourage unionization:

— Gave a 39 percent raise over two years to UT Chancellor Bill Cunningham, from $251,000 to $350,000, not counting his free housing and $8,400-a-year car allowance, which makes his car allowance higher than some staff salaries.

— Announced that the university would put up $2 million for a year-round private club for fat cats at Memorial Stadium.

— Gave unsuccessful basketball coach Tom Penders $643,000 to go away, and continued to pay for his membership at Barton Creek Country Club. It turns out that 48 athletic department officials have their memberships paid at Hills of Lakeway Country Club and another 42 officials are members at Barton Creek. Administration officials have paid memberships in country clubs and other private clubs such as Headliners, the Austin Club, etc., a story first broken by the Austin Chronicle.

— Announced that they felt terrible about it but that the second-richest university in the country (after Harvard, ahead of Yale) did not have the money to pay for the $21 million that the famous committee said it would take to bring staff salaries up to a minimally acceptable level. Unfortunately, this position was somewhat undermined when we learned that UT System investments grew by almost $2 billion in 1996-97, thanks mostly to the stock market. In addition, Texas universities received an 11.5 percent increase in state appropriations last year — the second-highest in the nation, according to the Chronicle of Higher Education.

Meanwhile, in March, UT fired Julie Baxter, an administrative assistant at the law school and a member of the board of the University Staff Association, the day after she spoke at a rally protesting low staff wages and was quoted in the newspaper and on several local radio stations. Of course, we know that her firing had nothing to do with her activism because the university investigated the firing itself and told us so.

Actually, UT was just following the splendid example of the French general staff during World War I. Any French soldier who got tired after several years of useless slaughter and complained about it was promptly taken out and shot pour encourager les autres — in order to encourage the others.

In the midst of all this promising union-building activity, the faculty went and stepped in it by taking a portion of its own tiny pool for raises — a whopping 2.5 percent — and donating it for staff raises. This is the kind of thing that will encourage staff members to think that someone at the institution recognizes their value — very bad for unionization. There was already $6 million in a pot for the staff; after great effort and much scrambling around, UT's new president, Larry Faulkner, announced a few weeks ago that an additional $3 million had been located, for a grand total of slightly more than $9 million to do a $21 million job. Of course, by now, the Staff Association is talking about getting fired without due process, grievance procedures, free tuition for staff (as many universities provide) and ... joining the AFL-CIO.

Congratulations to the regents and the administration on this happy outcome — John Sweeney is proud of you.

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Molly Ivins is a columnist for the Fort Worth Star-Telegram.

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