Molly Ivins May 1

AUSTIN — Bad bills, dumb bills, silly bills: It's rainin' bad ol' bills at the Legislature. House Speaker Pete Laney, who belongs to the "do no harm" school of political philosophy, once challenged reporters to drive all over the state and to write down everything they see that's bad and wrong — and then see how much of it can be fixed by passing 6,000 new laws.

Oh, I dunno. Think how helpful it is that the cast-iron Dutch oven is now the Official State Cooking Implement or that rodeo is now the Official State Sport. (Take that, football fans.) We could even get an Official State Fungus (the devil's cigar) out of this session, and there's a real contest for Official State Molecule. (A national first! No one else has a state molecule yet.) Our two choices are the molecule named after Bucky Fuller, which won a guy at Rice the Nobel Prize, and the Texaphyrin, a molecule first engineered at University of Texas. We could even get an Official State Sauce (picante) and an Official State Vegetable (the sweet onion).

We could get a law prohibiting recognition of same-sex marriages, which might be made legal in Hawaii — now there's one that's going to make a big difference in our daily lives.

And we might get "speed coupons" so if we got stopped for speeding, we could just hand over one of these speed coupons to the officer, see, and drive off — no fine, no insurance record. We'd buy these speed coupons, see, from the Texas Lottery for anywhere from $15 to $100. On the speed coupons, it would tell us not to speed. This notion comes to us courtesy of Rep. Tommy Merritt of Longview; he says it will cut down on speeding.

We've got a bill to regulate professional wrestling on account of Rep. Rene Oliveira suspects that wrasslin' matches just might be fixed. Can't believe in anything anymore, can you?

The Senate has already passed a bill allowing retailers to double the late charges for those of you who don't get your credit-card bills paid on time. Unless you are Neiman Marcus, you may be wondering just how this contributes to world betterment. Follow this closely: OTHER states have higher late charges than we do, and so people in OTHER states might get paid before our retailers get paid, and so obviously we should allow OUR retailers to rip us off for just as much as OTHER states' retailers do.

I hope that's clear to you. The Senate thought it was.

Teen-agers are particular targets of oppression this session. If I were a teen-ager, I'd become a Libertarian immediately. Rep. John Longoria of San Antonio has a bill to outlaw teen sex. Anyone under 18 caught doing it could be sent off to a group home or even to juvenile jail. The problem of overcrowding in the Texas Youth Council's facilities could become quite serious if this passes. Envision the conversations in juvvie hall:

"What are you in for?"

"Robbery and assault — how about you?"

"Oh, my girlfriend and I were in the back seat, and I said, 'But the Texas Legislature doesn't want us to do it,' and then she said, 'Everybody knows the Texas Legislature doesn't have enough sense to come in out of an acid rain,' and then ..."

In addition to outlawing teen sex, the Lege — determined to make young people straighten up — proposes to make the punishment for smoking or possessing cigarettes a $25 to $200 fine after the first offense and $500 to $1,000 after the second, plus they'll take away your driver's license. Likewise, driving after drinking any amount of alcohol, presumably even a sip of Communion wine, could send you to TYC.

No teen-ager would be permitted to possess a can of spray paint unless under adult supervision. (Do not carry out your assigned chore of painting the family's lawn furniture unless Mom and Dad are home.) No body piercing without written, notarized consent, except for ears. (The Legislature is soft on ears.) No abortions without notifying your parents, even if it does mean you'll get beaten to a pulp.

I don't know, kids; I'm not sure that running away to Louisiana is the solution. If I were you, I'd just wait until I was 18 and vote against these guys.

But here's a piece of good news: The House did reject Gov. George W. Bush's proposal to allow the police to search juveniles without probable cause or reasonable suspicion.

Darn, here we are out of space already, and I've barely scratched the surface of the bad-bill pile. The Legislature as a whole cannot be held responsible for the bad ideas of individual nincompoops who get elected. As former state Sen. Carl Parker used to say, if you took all the fools out the Legislature, it wouldn't be a representative body any more. But there are days when the more sober citizen could wish they would concentrate on something useful — like improving the schools.

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Molly Ivins is a columnist for the Fort Worth Star-Telegram.

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