Molly Ivins March 31AUSTIN — And now, let's have a round of applause for that fun-loving, slap-happy gang in the U.S. House of Representatives: Newt Gingrich and the Newtzis! What impresses me most about the Newtzis is their imagination. Time after time, this merry gang comes up with some measure that makes me stand back in all honesty and admit, "You know, I never would have thought of that." Just last week, they offered the country something it really needs. Now, just try to guess what it was. Let's see, our country desperately needs ... a much more efficient system for dealing with child abuse, some help for working moms who are losing their minds trying to find reliable day care, uhhh, a higher minimum wage, of course, ummm, more Meals on Wheels, annnd ... No! Not even close! Give up? What they offered us was more assault weapons! Yes, just what we needed and wanted: more assault weapons. Now, admit it — you're really surprised too, aren't you? Yes, indeed — by voting to repeal that weenie ban on 17 types of assault weapons, Newt and the Newtzis have sought to improve the lives of every drug dealer in America, not to mention loony militia types holed up in the mountains. Now, that's imagination. And, coming up this week, a truly exciting way to improve the family! Yep, pro-family legislation from the Newtzis. This time, you only get three guesses. They're going to support the Earned Income Tax Credit for working poor families? No. They're going to quit trying to cut Medicare so you don't have to go broke taking care of your aging parents? No. They've decided that they love the Family Leave Act even though it was President Bill Clinton's idea? No. Get ready ... The Newtzis are going to drastically cut the Legal Services Corp.! Isn't that great? What do you mean — how will that help the family? Don't you see? Poor women won't be able to get divorced anymore! They'll just have to stay married to men who knock them around and beat their kids to a pulp. Great news, eh? If some poor woman marries a guy and then finds out he's sexually abusing her daughters, there won't be a thing she can do about it.
And the 52,000 cases that Legal Services pursued last year, getting deadbeat dads to cough up the money they owe for child support? Hey, no divorce, no problem with child-support payments, see? As Anthony Lewis of The New York Times reminds us, the Legal Services Corp. was instituted in 1974 by President Richard Nixon to give some reality to the American concept of Equal Justice Under Law. To hell with that — if you can't afford to pay a lawyer yourself, why should you have any rights at all? Been cheated by a landlord, injured on the job, held prisoner in a labor camp, working day labor for less than minimum wage? Tough. The law doesn't apply to you, buddy. See? It's just like that song, "I-maag-i-naaaa-tion!" Creative lawmaking, that's our Newtzis. And here comes another creative move by the Newtonians: how to screw up someone else's perfectly good legislation. You may have read about an impressive piece of legislation — written by Sens. Nancy Kassebaum (R-Kan.) and Ted Kennedy (D-Mass.) — to plug up one of the most notorious and harmful holes in our health insurance system, such as it is. The bill would make it possible for workers who lose their jobs to keep their health insurance coverage — a rather critical problem, as you know, when the headlines announce almost weekly that tens of thousands of workers have been "downsized." The bill would not only require insurance companies to sell policies to workers who lose their jobs, but it would also prevent them from dropping those with "pre-existing conditions." Some analysts say that 25 million Americans would benefit from having portable health insurance; up to 80 million have "pre-existing conditions." The Kennedy-Kassebaum bill would have fixed these problems — until the Newtzis fixed the bill. They decided to lard it up with special-interest provisions. The most glaring example is medical savings accounts, a device that allows health insurance companies to skim the cream off the low-risk pool and leave everyone else with higher premiums. This insurance-company dream is the brainchild of the Golden Rule Insurance Co., which — according to Rep. Cynthia McKinney — contributed $1.4 million to Republicans. And, according to the Associated Press, J. Patrick Rooney, an executive at Golden Rule, has contributed $103,000 to Gingrich and GOPAC. Imagine that. *** Molly Ivins is a columnist for the Fort Worth Star-Telegram. COPYRIGHT 1996 CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.
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